Aug. 5, 2021

How grief counseling can help after loss. Martika's story on her path to heal others that grieve.

Martika Whylly is a certified grief counsellor and the author of Having fun with God. She is the Host of the Grieve with Ease podcast. Her path to heal others that grieve became clear after she wrote her book. A personal journey about death, loss and how Martika handled grief.

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Martika  0:00  
You have to experience the sadness, you have to embrace it, you have to have a pity party, then you could experience the happiness because you have two emotions reside at the same time, you're gonna have to give a little bit of happiness up for the sadness and depression and whatever so that you could release it. 

Melissa Bright  0:16  
Welcome to the bright side of

life, a podcast where people share their personal stories of struggles, pain and grief. But through all of that, they are still able to find the joys in life.

Hello, everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of the bright side of life. I am your host, Melissa Bright. And today, we have a grief counselor that I am going to talk to you and her name is Martina Wiley. And she's a certified grief counselor and also the author of having fun with God. She also has a podcast called grieve with ease podcast. And she says that her path to heal others that grieve really became clear after she wrote her book, and which is a personal journey about death loss and how she handled the grief herself. So martica thank you so much for coming on the show and for taking time out of your day to be here. How are you doing?

Martika  1:30  
Thank you for having me. Thank you for Yeah, I'm great. I'm great. Little hot, humid over here. But other than that, great.

Melissa Bright  1:39  
Yeah. Where do you Where are you located?

Martika  1:42  
Ontario, Canada and a small town called creemore. And just we've been getting a lot of rain, which really grateful for because it's very dry in other parts of the country. Yeah. So yeah, it's been really green than loving it. Yeah,

Melissa Bright  1:57  
I am. I'm in St. Louis. So we get all the humidity. I mean, I walk outside and it's not raining, but it might as well should it should be because of how hot it is. It's ridiculous. Yeah. keeps getting warmer. Yeah. So before we get into, you know, agree with these, and in talking about that, I know that you yourself have personally experienced a lot of loss in your life. And that's kind of how all of this came to be. So I wanted to ask you, can you talk a little bit about what kind of loss that you you have experienced in your life? And how old you were for for these losses?

Martika  2:41  
Yeah, okay. Sure. Well, when I was 15 years old, my mother committed suicide. She was my first loss and the biggest one because we were so close. And then it was a bit of a domino effect. After that. My my Nana, my grandmother died two years after asthma attack, but it was, I think, mostly emotional, you know, her daughter dying, and just a bit of the drama around that. And then, of course, two years later, my grandfather died after my grandmother died because they were close. And then a year after my grandfather died, my uncle was killed in a car accident. That was seven. It was unexpected. And then I think I was feeling a bit like this is a lot. Yeah. I started to think about Wow, that's, that's for family members gone on my mother's side. I had my cousin and my aunts and, and a few other extended family. But I started to feel like I had death anxiety, I was afraid that other people would die, other family members would die. So I decided to seek my father. My parents separated when I was a baby. So I didn't grow up with my father, but I decided to look for him after all those deaths. And he's in the Bahamas as in Canada, I I searched the phonebook for all the Wiley's and contacted a cousin and he said he didn't know where my father was, but would call me back let me know. And Obama's is fairly small compared to Canada. But about two months later, two months later, I finally get a call back from Desmond my cousin down there saying they he found my father but he died two days ago. Oh my god. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I didn't understand what was happening. God was really a sick son of a gun. And I just But yeah, I was in shock. And so but out of that came, I found out when a lady from the Bahamas called me about, you know, regarding my father's deaths, you know, are you a relative, a family member or friend, she said, I'm your sister. And I thought Dad, I had four older sisters. So I immediately had family like I had four older sisters and all of them had kids. Right. And so it was like a huge. I was overwhelmed at the time. And a voice said in my ear whispered in my ear, God doesn't take away without giving back.

Melissa Bright  5:19  
Oh, my goodness. That's amazing. So within a span of what, three, four or five years, you had lost several gifts for family members. And you are only 20 years old. 19 years old. Yeah. Yeah. And that's a lot. That is a lot for any person in general, but for a teenager becoming a young adult. So how were you affected? emotionally whenever, when all these losses like your mom was the first one, which, like you said, was was the most hardest? Did you notice looking back now? Did you ever? I'll just I'll leave that question up to you like how how did it affect you emotionally? And I don't want to say that these are people can adjust assume people act in several different ways. So yeah,

Martika  6:12  
every doubted you do? Yeah. Well, um, I guess after my mom died, I went to live with my aunt and uncle. That was like a north, like an hour north from Toronto. So that was a big change. And, you know, dealing with those other deaths, and I was a teenager. So I think I know, my mom was still with me in spirit, because I could have gotten into all kinds of trouble. Of course, I did. But even worse, where it's like being in jail, or, you know, Korea, or almost, you know, killing myself. But yeah, it was it was tough, because I knew from a very young age that I always wanted to be a singer, songwriter, music was always been my passion. I still pursued that until my late 20s, early 30s, maybe well, late 20s. And because of the debts that kept coming, it just kind of put everything off kilter. And it just, it seemed like every road I went down, as far as music, because that's what my father, my father was an entertainer. It was like a brick wall there. And so I was very confused, very distraught. It was trying to understand life. God, I grew up in a Catholic faith. But at 15 after my mom committed suicide, I stopped believing in the Catholic faith, because it was all about, well, she's going to hell because she committed suicide and I never believed that she was a very, she's very kind woman. Yeah, she, she never said anything ill about anyone that I can recall. She never used a swear word. totally opposite of me. But where I get it from? But um, yeah, she was one of my classmates when said that she was the nicest person that they ever met. I said, You're just saying that to be kind. She said, No, I'm actually I actually mean that. And I believed her. She was very sincere. At her Memorial, there was only standing room only in the church. And then, really, and the only time I've ever seen that happen at our church was during Christmas time, of course, Christmas Eve, that was always crowded. And when there was a priest in training, did his first math and a lot of people came out to support him. Those are the only times I've seen that church. And I remember what looking at around at everybody in the room, seeing a lot of familiar faces haven't seen in a long time thinking. You know, wow, this is a lot of people. They must have heard about it on the news. But I just she touched a lot of people, you don't know somebody really until they're gone. And really still, you're still learning about that person. So I mean, I was at school. I didn't know what she was doing with her time when I wasn't there. But yeah, obviously, you know, helping out with the community and the community.

Melissa Bright  9:03  
Sure. Yeah. So what did your mom your mom obviously struggled with something at you know, yep. So what did she struggle with for her to do that?

Martika  9:17  
Oh, a really bad marriage, mental abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse. She was a, I guess, seeing a psychiatrist of that nature. I think he convinced her that she needed to get help, instead of him maybe getting some help. Well, because people don't realize how badly he said they could be. It's not it's always somebody else's problem. But she was taking a lot of pills. Okay. And I guess she had attempted suicide before she actually actually done it. Because she was in the hospital for about a week. She didn't tell me why she was in the hospital. I wanted to visit her she wouldn't let me visit her. But when she came back, that's when I noticed all the pills in the bathroom like, what are these pills? For? She wouldn't answer. She wasn't the mother that I know she was instead behaving like a frightened child. I was more of a parent, I was the parent, she was the child. Right? You know, I threatened to tell Michael, who was our, my stepfather, her husband at the time, you know, threaten. So I'm going to tell Michael, you know what you're doing unless you tell me what's going on. And she was, you know, it was sad to see it's kind of like watching somebody have Alzheimer's, and they're not the same person. So you're grieving who that person was, even though they're still alive. Right. So. But yeah, there was obviously some issues there. And but I remember praying to God for her to leave my stepfather because he was abusive. And I guess suicide was her only way out. Yeah. And after, you know, for the longest time, I felt abandoned, I thought, you know, why couldn't she get help? And all this other stuff, but it was writing the book, having fun with God, oh, my gosh, did that open up a lot of understanding a lot of healing a lot of forgiveness. And knowing that my getting chills, my mum was with me helping a lot of the writing was, either because there were some things I write in there that I didn't even know. Right, where am I getting this information? Is this true? You know, I hope, you know, when you write a memoir, you try to be as honest as possible, because it's so easy to embellish. Right? I guess because it's your story gets somebody else depends on that, you know, more than one person was at an event or situation,

Melissa Bright  11:41  

Martika  11:42  
But she did what she thought was right. Looking back now, she did seek help, I did try to help her. That was the only way out. And the other thing that I realized me it took a long time for me to get this is that she has become almost a better parent. Now that she's on the other side than she would have been in the physical because trust me if she would have told me more Chica, you need to do this or you need to write all this stuff out. I would have told her Yeah, okay, whatever I'll do to my own time. When your spirit, you could be in somebody's ear 24 seven, because you don't need to sleep You don't need to eat. And so you can influence your loved ones in a greater way than then you would in the physical realm.

Melissa Bright  12:36  
Oh, my goodness. I'm like, I'm like getting goosebumps. To go along with this. Okay, so we're talking about you've obviously had a lot of a lot of loss. And you in your, on your website, you said that you just became really curious about death? And was it life after death? Yeah, and dying, too. Yes. So did you you started reading all of these books? Did you start reading all of these books before you wrote your own book? Is that correct? Yes. Okay. And, and through doing this, like becoming curious about this, you obviously became curious because of all what you had experienced. But you were younger, right? How old? were you when you really started becoming curious about wanting to understand all of this?

Martika  13:24  
I guess probably in my mid 20s, my mid 20s. I, I used to hang out at the libraries a lot. Libraries, I used to call myself a library slap. Honestly, whatever town I was in, I had to check out the library. I had to see my favorite authors for there. I never thought I would be like, say I was a nerd. But that's how I was like a very nerdish. And I would skip, what not skip work, but I was living with a family at the time. And you know, if I had a day off work, I wouldn't tell them. I had a day off work, because I would have chores to do. So I would just hang out the library all day. And then I would tell them afterwards, you know, how's your day at work? Oh, so I was off today. Well, what would you do all this? I was at the library all day, they would say I'm like, yeah, so much. So much to do with your nerd like me love to read books. Yeah, you could spend the whole day in a library.

Melissa Bright  14:21  
Yeah, that's incredible. So you, you started reading all of these books? What did you start to learn? Like, what were some of like, looking back on it? What were some of your biggest aha moments that one just helped educate you into that really started helping you understand and maybe get a get a piece about all of this loss or did that piece come at all while reading those books.

Unknown Speaker  14:48  
It didn't, I guess it came little by little. But what I got out of reading the books that there was a common thread throughout all of them, which is you creators of our reality, how we things happen to us, but they don't happen. I am paraphrasing and I'm going to screwed up. But we we we we could either react or respond to something. And what I was getting is that you know, you keep going through life with nothing happening to no no mishaps, no trauma or adversity. How can you grow? You know, it's kind of like rainy days, if you don't have a rainy day, we wouldn't get any greenery, the plants when grow farmers out west are freaking out, because it's not raining. We're getting rain over here. So, you know, anytime anybody complains about a rainy day, I'm like, well, we wouldn't have we need it, we have everything needs to grow the plants, the animals, everything. So it's the same thing with pain. You know, that voice whispered in my ear when I was writing that book. Because it was very painful. I stopped writing because of the pain, I thought there's no way I'm going to turn to something to numb the pain or more to numb the pain. So I just quit. And then that boy said, Okay, so that's your hand again. And I thought, I'm not handing anything in. Because I'm not going to I'm not going to write it because it was the pain. The pain was too painful. And I heard Well, you know, I said, you rewrite it, I'll make sure she gets it. And that the book gets that I'm referring to a book called having fun with God, and then the subtitle of that book report from Miss Winfrey. And I said to the voice, which is feared I said, you wouldn't dare you know, let her read a half a book report because what I wasn't going to finish it. And then something a memory triggered, whereas everything I was asking for in the book, whether it was a bike, a pet, a sibling I was getting. So I kind of talk about the law of attraction, the law of asking, receiving the law of believing, and you will get it. It's, it's all in there, just like most of the books that I read, they're all the same. When it comes to manifesting and believing that you will receive it, you know, whatever, man thinketh in his heart, so shall he be right. Yep. So, um, I ended up saying, You know what, I threw my hands up in the air because I wasn't gonna argue with this force that was greater than us all. So I said, Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. And, and then I heard a voice say, you know, what, we're taking no pain, no gain. And I bet, right, so true. And I said to this voice, I said, Thank you for encouraging me, thank you for being a friend. And as I said, I am your friend. And this the first time I actually felt a closeness or a connection with this, what do you what whether you call it God, Jah, Allah, Buddha, the universe, the higher self, and actually became friends, because before I didn't, wasn't sure about God, based on you know, what the Catholic religion at the say, and then going through all these stats, and not understanding as a young person, you just think God is a mean, being that just doesn't care about how you feel?

Melissa Bright  18:23  
Right? Right. So what encouraged you to write the book in the first place? Like what made you one day just say, I'm gonna write a book, and it's gonna be about death? Yeah,

Martika  18:35  
I am. That's an interesting one, actually, was the man in black. It was like an apparition, if you will. After, I guess, when I came home for work around three o'clock in the afternoon, I was in the kitchen, and I seen this apparition as black, you know, he was like, dressed in black, where he had faceless, no legs, but kind of floating Whoo, didn't one of these things. And even though it you know, it takes a lot for me to get scared because I, you know, been through some things. I just looked at him like, Okay, if you're coming to take me then do it already. Right, you know, wasn't afraid of death. And this went on for almost everyday for about a week. And until I started to write an idea I felt compelled to write about the first time I'd seen the man in black. And that was a dream I had about a month before my cousin Nikki died and she committed suicide too. And I thought the dream about that was my own death. I thought life was preparing me for my own death. But it wasn't it was preparing me for my cousin's death. And in the dream, death was chasing after me. And then I stopped to confront it because he was getting closer and closer. Right? And they said, What do you want from me? And it didn't say anything. But it just did want to it tickets, it just held his hands out and wiggled his fingers and move this heads up from a from the pointing towards the bottom of my feet, moving them up slowly to the top of my head and out. And it was quick and painless. And I just could feel that energy move from the bottom of my feet through my body to the top of my head and out. And I knew that's how death would feel. And it was easily it was quick and painless. And I said, that's it. And he just kind of shrugged to say that's it. And then he left me alone to chase after someone else. Now the dream was kind of, you know, kind of wonky, but when I kind of, you know, relive it, that person he was chasing after me, I think was my cousin that committed suicide. It's not weird. So that's what compelled me to write because I saw him again. But this time, I was not sleeping. And I was not under any medication. And it was weird. So every time in the days that I would write about it, you would fade, so he just faded away. And I kept writing. Why, Melissa? Why? Because I didn't want to see him again. It was just too eerie. And I didn't tell anybody about it for the longest time. took me years and years because I thought if I tell people that man and black is after me and was chasing me and compelled me to write this book, they would be thinking, Okay, what are you know? What kind of basketball to you? So yeah, but that's, that's basically it. And what I realized that there's a lot of layers. It could have been my mom in disguise getting me to write because she was always making me do homework. And yeah, I missed a book report assignment in the fifth grade. And so I think that's payback.

Melissa Bright  22:00  
Right? You don't miss those. Oh, so you wrote the book. And then through that book, you just had this aha moment that you wanted to help other people is? Yeah, I know. Walk me through that process. Was it?

Martika  22:18  
Yeah. Okay. Well, yeah, I went to a took a couple of college courses. at Seneca, when was the personal growth correspond with the psychology courses and the personal growth course, we talked about death and loss, which was a surprise to me. And of course, it was, it benefited me it was kind of like, trust the process to the perfection kind of thing. And I remember at the time, I was in my early 20s. And I was still kind of unsure, like, I had a full time job, but I didn't want to make it my career. And so is asking the universe for guidance on that. And when I sat really quiet, I heard a voice say, Well, you know, a lot about death and loss. And I thought, Well, yeah, that's true. But I didn't want to teach it, I didn't want to study it. I definitely didn't want to help anybody with it, because I just didn't. This is very taboo, or very depressing. Music has always been my life. And you know, a few years would go by, I'd be, you know, saying the same thing. You know, what should I do? How could I serve? You know, what should I be doing with myself, and death and loss? About the fourth and fifth time hearing it? I kind of surrendered, surrendered? And, of course, this was after I had written the book. After looking at what I've written, I thought, Okay, well, there is a lot of death and loss in there. And I do know quite a bit about it, that there's there's where I can be of service. Yeah, yeah. Do you

Melissa Bright  23:48  
feel when you when you made that decision that you wanted to start helping people? Do you feel yourself that you had came a long way in your, in your own healing process? Or do you feel that you still had a ways to go, but you just knew that you wanted to help people?

Martika  24:08  
Maybe some aspects of that of both. But when it comes to losing a family member? Yeah, I've come a long way. I didn't The reason one of the reasons why they would do death and loss because I was living I was always having fun joking around with people. You know, just always happy. I thought that would be inappropriate behavior, if somebody is grieving. Yeah, right. So I couldn't see myself doing that at first, but I had to kind of, you know, sit still, meditation is very important, I think in the later stages of the grief. So you know, being still for so long, and just some of the experiences that I've had, you know, life, life tends to kind of guide you and push you, you know, to where you need to be and So I decided, yes, yes, I could do that. But I'm gonna have to have fun at the same time because you can't know honestly, I've heard grief counselors in particular get burned out really quickly, because they're around all that negative. Well, you know, I want I don't want to say negative energy, but they're around a lot of dark energy, you know,

Melissa Bright  25:24  
kinda nature of the beast. I mean, you're talking about loss. So

Martika  25:28  
yeah, of course. And it, it's terrible. It's terrible. And just, you know, just when I think I've looked it, you know, I know about the stages. I know where what happens afterwards, for the most part, I should have this doubt. Well, the last death I had that was close to me was my cat, Tasha, three years ago, and let me tell you something. I, I, I was like, Whoa, I didn't think her death would affect me that much. But it did. It did. And I was so glad I was off work at the time. And I was able to spend time with her. But I wanted to crawl a bed and die. And then a voice said go over releases my friend and neighbor. And I did. Because who knows, like I would have right when she starts to spiral. It's Yeah,

Melissa Bright  26:11  
yeah. can be a slippery slope. Yeah, big, big time. Wow. Okay, before we get into all of your grief work, I'm going to kind of let you know a little bit like about myself and why I was so excited to talk to you. So yes, I experienced my biggest loss in my life, which I lost my mom at the age of 25, when she passed away from COPD, which is chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder from smoking. I had also I had my daughter at the age of 16. So when my mom passed my mom, my daughter was only 10 years old. So here I was only 25. While at that time, I guess I thought I had it all figured out. 25 is extremely young to lose a parent, such as 15. And then here I was a single mom raising my daughter. So I thought at first I handled losing my mom, okay. And my mom was my absolute best friend, she became my support system. Whenever I whenever I had my daughter, like we instantly clicked as soon as I was like, found out I was pregnant. It was like, Mom, I need you. You're my best friend. And everything happens for a reason, right? Um, but after that, so she's been gone. It'll be 11 years this year. And I what I thought I did was good. I Oh, I got it. I didn't get depressed. I didn't go do drugs or alcohol. Like I handled my mom's death pretty well. Well, what actually I did was I stayed busy as shit. And I never handled it. I never let myself stop long enough to, to think about it. But then finally, when life did slow down, and when last year when the pandemic hit, all I wanted to do was talk to my mom. And that doesn't happen all that often for me to where like, I would just had this sense. I wanted to tell my mom about what was going on. And I couldn't and I couldn't and I couldn't. But my boyfriend had mentioned to me for a while that I He's like, I really don't think that you've handled your mom's like, like death yet. I just think you still have some, like, No, no, no. Anyways, long story short, I watched a movie last year, fried green tomatoes that her and I watched and it all came like flowing out couldn't handle it, like uncontrollably crying. And that's when we decided for me to finally seek help, and to actually talk to a therapist about this. So that's why I'm so excited to talk to you because my stepdad who was married at my mom, who was married to my mom at the time when she passed away, recommended me to get like, Hey, I'm I'm going to go see a grief counselor, you know, do you want to go go with me? Do you want me to recommend somebody? I was 25. But I don't need that. I don't want to go talk to somebody about me losing my mom, they're not going to understand what what are they going to understand about? I mean, all these things, you know, came into my head that they they couldn't help me they don't know what I'm feeling. And I didn't and it's probably my biggest like regret that I should have, you know, he, he did it and I think it really helped him. So I just wanted to give you kind of a little bit of my background and how where I was with with my grief and how I'm so appreciative of of the work that you do because I should have been going to somebody like you a long time ago. But with that being said, you now have your What do you call it's called grieve with ease. It's a service. You're a grief coach. You do individual and group sessions. Is that correct? Yes. Okay. Now my first question is when I would I love that name. First of all, I love the name grieve with ease. But I feel like if there was somebody that might have just had a recent loss, they could say, Martina, how can you even grieve with ease? How can you even say that? So? Can you explain like how that's even possible? Yeah, I'm just gonna stop that question there.

Martika  30:29  
And you know what I was asking the same question myself, when I first came up with that, is it possible to agree with these. And it doesn't seem possible when you first learn that somebody that you love is passed away. I was the same way when I lost my cat. Okay, now I'm going to have to remember what I was teaching other people, for myself. And what it is you just let yourself feel whatever the emotions, we tend to want to get lost and busy and work. That's probably not a good idea. You want to cry, allow yourself to cry, allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to feel whatever it is you're feeling. And always, always, always listen to that inner voice, that intuition that tells you to get up, go to your neighbors, or put on a pot of coffee, or go take a shower, or whatever it's telling you to do. Because that's your higher self regard an angel, whatever you want to call it, helping you through the grief. It takes time, it does take time. But once you get over that initial, the denial, the anger, and you're at a place where you're just

maybe you're sad and depressed. But you can see a bit of a light at the end of the tunnel. In a sense, where Okay, there are techniques that you can use that will help you through the grieving process. And one is just to let the emotions out. If you feel angry, and you want to Don't yell or punch a pillow, do it. I spoke with a lady who was advised to have a pity party. her therapist said to her you haven't you haven't grieved, you need to have yourself a day where you just you have a pity party, you put out the sad music, you you know have plots of boxes of tissue, you turn off the phone, you do whatever you need to do to get all of that out. Because anything that you keep inside, and you don't let it out, it'll turn into a physical element. Yep. And we've all been there mind was a migraine migraine. Some people have back problems some people have, it doesn't matter what it is. But you'll you'll notice you're not functioning, you're not at ease. So the body the body is not at ease. Yeah.

Melissa Bright  33:01  
So before and I feel like, Well, no, I thought I skipped ahead. But a lot of people, or at least myself didn't even realize that there are actual stages of grief. And so for people that might not even even realize that can you just quickly go over what those stages are. And if you want to explain what each one is, go for it. Thank you to better help for sponsoring this podcast. I have been using better help for almost a year now. And the progress that I have made in my mental health has been incredible. I just want to tell you my listeners a little bit about better help to see if it might be a great fit for you. Their mission is making professional counseling accessible, affordable and convenient. So anyone who struggles with life challenges can get help anywhere, anytime. They offer four ways to get counseling from video sessions, phone calls to live chat and messaging. It's also available worldwide, you will be matched with your counselor and 24 hours or less better help offers a broad expertise in their network. So it provides users with access to specialists they might not be able to find locally. Financial Aid is also available for those who qualify. So visit better slash bright side of life that's better slash bright side of life join over 500,000 people taking charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional. And for your first month you're going to receive 10% off by being a listener of the bright side of life. So let them know that I sent you by using the link better forward slash bright side of life. That's better forward slash b r i g h t side of life. The link will also be in the description section of this episode.

Martika  34:53  
Yeah, well there's denial is the first one and then anger and denial is You know, if you, you know that the person is dead, but you still expect them to come home, you're still in the non state, you still can't wrap it around that their God. And then once that happens and you're angry that they've left, then you're in the angry stage. And you know, sometimes we don't address it right away. So it could look like it could trigger like somebody could ask you a question and you're like, Well, why you asked me that. And then, and that's how it kind of spirals. And then bargaining bargaining, bargaining is would you rather trade your your life for that person? You let God take me instead? bargaining is, doesn't always happen with everyone. But as part of the the stages, it's one of the steps of the stages of the grieving process. I've added in guilt as a step. Yep. No, it started quoted in it as Elisabeth Kubler Ross's stages. But guilt seemed to be a big one for me, because with the suicides, I felt guilty, like I could have saved them somehow could have saved my mom, I could have saved my cousin's. So I felt very guilty. And that guilt could last for a very long time. If you don't deal with it. You don't realize, okay, what happened happened? it you know, there's perfection, everything. And this is why when I read a lot of spiritual books, it was always trust the processed, see the perfection, how is this perfect? What what process and so you get angry with the creator get angry with God, at least I did, I got so angry that I tried to kill God. But it can't kill energy. So I found that the hard way, by depression, depression would follow guilt. And that could be just you don't want to get out of bed, you don't want to live anymore, you you can't see any joy in anything with this person gone. And that could be very deep seated myth. It's not dealt with, right? You know, moving around and having somebody to support you to help you to at least smile once in a while. And then there's accept acceptance. When you accept that the person has gone, you're still dealing, but you actually accepted that guess this person has gone, you know, you'll see them and anymore. And then for me, closure was a big one. closure is something that an elephant taught me. Out of all the counselors that I had been to know honestly, growing up, because I said something wasn't. I mean, I didn't know anything about grief and what I should be doing. But you know, and some counselors, you know, no one's perfect. You know, sometimes they make mistakes as well. But not one of them asked me if I see my mother's body. It's very important to see the body because first of all, you're no longer in denial. There they are. Yeah, it's painful. But it strikes that out as as as being because I didn't see my mom's body when she died. And so for a very long time, I thought she staged her own death just to get away from my stepfather. Right. Right. And yeah, cuz he was he had a cremated like, I don't know, that's the week after she died. very suspicious. You know, for me at the time, you know, I was still I was still a denial that she was gone. So I didn't take any part in that. But But yeah, those are the stages denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression, acceptance and closure when you actually see the body. I think it's important I feel for people who lose loved ones overseas to wars or what have you. And then they come back if they come back, because, you know, a lot of them will be like, well, maybe that was just a weird dream. I had, you know, maybe they can find some there. Maybe they faked their own death and living another life and maybe to go over and look for them. And I could just imagine, right? Yeah, but yeah, closer. Yeah.

Melissa Bright  39:16  
So my, my father whom I was not very close with. Long story, we just weren't close. There were there was no like we had a falling out or anything. He just wasn't really in my life a lot. Um, he passed away in January from a he had a heart transplant and a kidney transplant. Went through both of the surgeries but then unfortunately, didn't survive them. And he This was in January, so COVID was still happening, did not have the opportunity to even go up to the hospital to see him before you know, to even visit him and then never got to see him and then he was cremated. There's never a funeral. So it literally I've had zero closure like nothing, nothing, you know. And thank god I've been in therapy to be able to talk to my therapist, because that's a really big thing to go through when there's just he's just gone, like just gone. No. Anything. And that can be really, really hard for somebody.

Martika  40:22  
I think in those circumstances, a recreation of how you'd like it to be would be the best thing to do. Because, yeah, the reason why I had the experience Nikki, finding her hanging there like that was because I need to close her on my mother's death. Isn't that weird? Yeah. And, of course, when we don't understand this, when we're, we're just so unaware of the bigger picture. It's so easy to get upset. It's so easy to get angry and like, what's going on? And why am I experiencing all of this and life isn't fair and, and all that and all that stuff. But when you understand that there's something bigger here something larger then it makes it makes the healing process bearable. Bright, right? So for me, because when when Nikki died, when I saw her, I found her hanging there for about, I don't know, a couple of weeks, every time I close my eyes, I could see her blue face. It has haunted me for longest time and but you know, after writing about the experiences, you know, seeing the man in black and then the kind of write about her death first. And then I talk about the other deaths, because her death was was the last one that her family members so far. But yeah, so I started with that one because that's that's where the closure for me began. And I didn't realize, again, I watched a show called Beyond chance. And it was a lady loan per gift of telepathy. And a zoo in California called for her because they were having trouble with their elephants. They were being unruly, they weren't listening to the zookeepers and they couldn't figure out what the problem was said. So when the telepathic lady came and spoke with the elephants, she spoke with the matriarch, she said, and the matriarch said, one of their relatives died and for them to have closure. They need to see the body so they can grieve. You know how many oh my gosh, if I didn't know, Matt, right, and how many how many counselors really do not know that? I don't think it's taught in school. But see, this is how I, I revere and honor and honor animals so much because we could learn so much from from these beings. Yep. That's why this Why is elephants saying and of course, they did get to see not the body the skull. The zookeeper said that they had the skull, would that be enough? And the telepathically? He said, Yes. They said, The sob map. And they filmed the transformation. You can see it. They were happy. They got nicer quarters, you know, right, communicated that as well. And, but it was amazing. I did not know that seeing a body brought about closure. Right? I did not know the significance of that. But now it makes sense to me after what I've experienced. Yes,

Melissa Bright  43:31  
sure. Do you feel because I think maybe people at first would be like, are you crazy lady? I don't want to see that. That's gonna be in my brain. Yeah. And I don't want to have that picture in my head. So what would you say to people saying that?

Martika  43:47  
Well, it Yes, it's unpleasant. I didn't want to see Nikki's blue face in my head all that time. But having not gone through that I would have still been grieving my mother's death from the age of 15. And not really living my life fully, maybe having physical elements because of the emotion trapped in my body that will affect you physically. So even though some of these things are uncomfortable, you know, again, no pain, no gain, right? Going through life, even keel. What was that analogy? Like? It's like a heart monitor, up and down. And if there's no up and down, what are you doing? You're dead? Yep. That's what like this. It's

Melissa Bright  44:33  
a lot of ups and downs. Like what you said is is uncomfortable. Of course, it's going to be uncomfortable. But what it could do for you, after maybe, maybe you are going to have some thoughts of it for the first two weeks, three weeks a month or something. But a month later, two months later, it might bring you closure, you know, it's just something that you're going to have to experience Can you kind of talk about for people that might be on the fence of you know, should I go see a grief counselor? I know that I've been depressed. I, you know, my mom, my dad, my significant other my best friend, somebody. I lost them over us two years ago, but I'm still kind of stuck. Um, what would be the benefits to someone coming to see a grief counselor? What all are you going to do for them?

Martika  45:28  
Oh, yes. Well, the benefits are just to let you know that what you're feeling is natural. You know, that, that there are stages to the grieving process. I didn't know that at first. Once I knew that there were stages. It made it so much easier. I could put a finger on it. Oh, okay. I'm angry a lot. I'm in the anger stage. Oh, okay. And then after that, there's, you know, there's things what to what you can expect, not that you would go through each stage Exactly. As it lays out, because everyone's different. The others would be, I have five benefits to grief relief. One is the to explore and process a distressing and confused feelings. find comfort and positive memories. And this is the benefits of of grief. counselors, understanding the seven stages of grief for five, three, recognizing that they feel that you are are having a natural and just to learn to cope and accept your loss. And this is what grief counselors, the benefits of grief counselors, so that you can move on with your life and be happy and have new relationships I find with me sometimes. And when you asked about you know, am I still all the way there? Or do I still need a bit of counseling? I think we all do at some point, because I find that I don't want to get close to people sometimes. Because what if they die? Me? And that's my only thing. And people are like, oh, that martica she's so cold. I'm like, No, it's just I'm really loving. And then. And then, you know, if you leave me, then I have to go through the whole grieving process all over again. You know, it's,

Melissa Bright  47:24  
it makes such sense. I, I found out so when my mom passed away, I realized that I started having anxiety. Well, then it took me about another five years to really find the root of the anxiety of why it was happening. And one day, my boyfriend and I are sitting here on a Sunday night having dinner at a tape like at our dining room table really nice, like dinner in terms of just me and him kind of like a date night. And I started getting really, really bad anxiety. And I'm like, How the hell am I in such a good place right now. But anxiety is coming. And in that instance, I knew I'm getting anxiety, because at any moment, this man could be ripped away from me like my mom was, and I'm not going to be prepared for it. And I'm not in control of that. And so for the longest time, before I got on my anxiety, medicine, it was anything when life was going so good. That's when my anxiety would be the worst. Because at any moment, I was like, okay, what's going to happen? Somebody is going to be taken away from me, I can't enjoy this moment. Because if I do, it's gonna be taken away. And it's terrible to be

Martika  48:33  
live know, it. Yeah, that's so true. And so it's, it's taking? Well, getting the help. Yeah, you know, group groups I'm offering, I'm starting a course it's a online course. It's a grief relief course five steps to grief relief. And what I want to do is encourage community so that if people you know, want somebody to talk to that the they have like a buddy, you know, I would set up accountability partners, because I think that's a good idea. You pair up. And you know, check on each other at least once a week, if not every day, depending Some people think once everyday is too much. Some people think once a week is just enough. It depends. Everyone's different. But I think that would be a great idea. When my adopted mom, I'd have several moms so my mom died. You know, I inherited five months. And this is the thing about when God takes away, gives back right life itself. Always gives back. Anyhow, I'm having five moms one of them. She had lost her son, and she had also lost a marriage. She also lost a house and then she lost her mother all within like a year or two. like bam, bam, bam, right? And I thought oh my gosh, she's really going to need some support. So I made sure I called her at least once a week. If not More often, I would always go with spirit. This one time I was at home it was in the evening time I was washing dishes. It was really weird because I was kind of missing my mom a little bit, which is unusual because I don't, I don't always think of her miss her like that. And I can feel her presence, my birth mom that passed her saying, you know what, you have a mom that need to call Diane, she needs you. And I called her I called Diane. And she says, oh, Tika, I'm so glad you called I was just gonna go crawl into a bottle. She said, like into a hole. That's what she say she was feeling that bad. And I said I could feel it. That's why I called. So I ended up going over and extending the night with her. Yeah, but yeah, she was and we still keep in touch. I think after a while. She didn't want me to call every week. She text me and said, Well, you know, call your check up another time. But it's one thing about me, I could be so persistent that I can get on your nerves when it comes to supporting right? Yeah,

Melissa Bright  51:05  
well, cuz you've been there. You've been there several, several, several times, and you just want to be able to help people. And like, that's the thing is, I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish that I would have listened to my stepdad, when you named all those benefits. Those were exactly what people need. Because what was I doing? I was in denial saying I didn't need help. When that was the exact thing I needed, I needed to understand there was stages of grief, I needed to understand. If I did become angry, or I was in this anger phase, like first you got to understand and I feel like education is so huge for everything you got to understand, or then you're just going to be miserable every day, just talking up to I'm just depressed because this person died. Well, no, there's actual reasons why there's the anger, there's the denial, there's all these things. And if you understand that, then you can tackle it a little bit better you can cope with it, you can heal all these things. And it's,

Martika  52:06  
it's Yeah, because we're taught to be happy all the time. You know. And so, again, you cannot know one without the other. Again, it's a law of polarity, the law of opposites, which is a, an absolute law, that never changes. So you cannot know a good day without knowing a bad and so you're gonna you're gonna have your ups and downs. And and that's, that's just part of life. I know, when I was doing the podcast, I didn't know anything about podcasting, or writing a book or, you know, designing my website. And that voice said, or teacup. This is something new. You've never done it before. You're gonna fail, you're gonna make mistakes. But guess what, just keep going. Just keep growing. And I'm like, Yes, that is awesome. That is right. Like I was so encouraged to fail, like that voice that I want you to get out there and fail as many times and I thought that was crazy talk. You know, Melissa, it's a crazy voice, like, people gonna think I'm on drugs like, Well, why would anybody say that? But do you know, that was a few years ago, I heard that. But not too long ago, maybe a couple months ago. I can't remember who it was. But it was a sporting person. I was a whether he was an announcer or player but he was saying or coach. My coach says to get out there and fails many times, and I couldn't believe I was hearing it. I'm like, Yes, thank you. Thank you. Thank you that other people are hearing that because it does sound like crazy talk because we're always taught to win, win, win, win, win, succeed, succeed, but you cannot know success without failure, losing without winning. So

Melissa Bright  53:38  
I posted that on one of my Instagram post, it says I was told by somebody that I've recently met in the last couple months. And he's like, Melissa, I want you to fail. And I want you to fail fast. Because that's the only way you're gonna get to where you want to be. Yes. Failing, failing, failing. Imagine doing that over and over again. But you are waiting to freakin get started that you're not even allowing yourself to fail. And you're just staying in the same spot. And when he said that, it was probably one of the biggest aha moments of my life. I was like, Yes. And it gave me permission to fail. Like Yeah, okay, now I can be okay. And I can learn how I'm doing it. So you

Martika  54:17  
can have fun of failing to write just have fun with it. If you know you're gonna fail, you may still have fun with it exactly. And test

Melissa Bright  54:23  
things out and see what works and see what doesn't work. And when it doesn't work, something better might come along and it might make more sense and you're like, oh, gosh, this is this is amazing. Okay, so I just have a couple more questions for you. But I did have a couple of I had put this question out on social media that if if you were to talk to a grief counselor, what would be some questions that you would ask her and my friend Warren wanted to ask you, how would you not let loss take over your day to day happiness.

Martika  54:58  
It's a good one. loaded question. I know, that's a loaded question because you have to experience you have to experience the pain, but you have to experience the sadness, you have to embrace it, you have to have a pity party, then you could experience the happiness, because you're gonna have two emotions reside at the same time. So you're gonna have to give a little bit of happiness up for the sadness and depression and whatever, so that you could release it, so that it doesn't weigh you down later on in life. And you're like, well, how come? This is happening? Well, did you? I mean, did you deal with, you know, this and that, you know, death and loss when you're younger, or, you know, when it did happen. And so I'm finding a lot of people when they don't take a long time, to address issues. And it's usually something that they have to address they have to look at, because the doctor is like, Okay, well, you've got cancer, or you've got something else. And I have heard those stories before. And they've gone through every technique to help them heal, and nothing is healing until they go to a holistic approach. And that person says, Okay, what are your relationships? Like? What is your What is your upbringing, like, and, and with this one man in particular, him and his brother had a falling out, they used to be really close. And then they had a falling out. And once he forgave his brother, Melissa, he was rid of the disease. Wow. And let me tell you something, I wanted to share that story with all my family members. Because it's true. It's like, Okay, um, all you got to do is forgive and you won't have your right white. See, that has caused me problems. Yeah. Yeah. But I have a doctor. So Right.

Melissa Bright  56:45  
Right. I feel like that's so important that you say that in terms of, you know, happiness, first of all, happiness is kind of what what you do make it. But if you haven't dealt with some of the things, and you might think that you have like, that's the thing for 10 years, I didn't deal with my mom's death, I kind of I don't know that it was denial, but it was something it was just pushing it down, didn't want to feel it didn't want to sit with it. So if you don't deal with it, or sit with it, or do the work, then are you going to be able to experience it? Happiness every day. So I am glad that you broke that down. Because it's not just a simple answer. Because if people maybe haven't done the work, and we also know that every day cannot be happiness, it just can't, like you said, we won't be able to grow, we won't be able to, you just have to experience that to learn. So, and

Martika  57:49  
that is what I would call a balanced life. Knowing that, you know, you're okay with being sad, you're okay with being upset. You're okay with having not the greatest of days. And knowing that there will be an awesome day around the corner. You know, I've had days where I woke up from a dream that was so incredibly felt so incredibly real, that I lost all track of time. That morning, I was listening music all morning. I felt so good when I looked at the time, like oh my god, it's up to 12. But

Melissa Bright  58:24  
that is great. That is great. Well, this one is a little bit. Um, I don't want to say a little bit more complex. But this is a really unique question that I absolutely love that this person asked me. So her situation isn't necessarily the death of a loved one. It's, she said that she has been grieving 1000 deaths. And so her question was, how does someone advocate for themselves in a situation where it's typically not acceptable to grieve after everything is final. And what she is saying is she has recently went through a divorce, and that that stamp is on there, you know? And she is and everybody thinks that she should just be moved on. But she's grieving the loss of her family not being together anymore. Them her not missing out on things because the kids are going to be with her dad. But do you have an a clear answer that you could give to? Like say she just wants to have an answer for people when they say you should be over it already. You should get over it. What could she tell these people because she is still grieving this this loss?

Martika  59:36  
Oh, yeah. What do you tell people? I remember I remember actually giving a response to that to somebody who said that about my mom, and I can't remember what I said, because we really nailed it. And I wish I'd remembered what it was but it was a bit of a cocky remark though, too.

Melissa Bright  59:57  
That would be me.

Martika  59:58  
Yeah. It was kind of a I wish I could remember what I said something about, is there a time limit? There is no time limit? I don't have a time limit, I would say something like that. I don't, is there a time limit? Or not even asking them, but telling them there is no time limit? Right? So if they have a problem with her grieving, well, then maybe they shouldn't be around her anymore, right? Because you need support. You don't need somebody judging you and saying you should move on. And it's so easy for somebody else to say that when they're not going through it. Yep. I mean, you know, yeah, you don't know what it's like, with somebody else. I mean, I took some time off work, because I had to love myself, I had to take care of myself. It was personal reasons between me my doctor, but some co workers, you know, don't think that they should be doing anything like that, especially if you're shortchanging the department. But it doesn't matter. I mean, if you need to take time out for yourself, whether it's the grief of loss of a loved one, a loss of a marriage, because it is it is a loss, it is a loss, because you're not seeing that person anymore. It's not the same, you know, you you grieve over what could have been, because you you know, you married some of your thinking, Okay, till death do us part we're gonna grow together. And then when that doesn't happen, trust me it is. So it is the same thing as a death. Yeah, it's just a different type of death. And of course, when I say that you play Oh, no, that person's not dead. Well, they're dead to me. I don't see them anymore. And not saying it to be mean. But it's like a death. Right? Yeah, it's the same. going through the same things where you're in denial, just me, you know, somebody doesn't want to be with you anymore. You're in denial. You don't want to hear that they don't want to be with you in Right. Yeah. And then you're angry because you're like, Okay, well, what, what's, what's up? Like, why did we communicate this before? What? Why can we get some counseling over it? Right. So but yes, it's, I would say, there, there is no timeframe to grieve and everybody grieves differently, and you don't know what somebody is going through until you walk a mile in their shoes. Yeah. But yeah,

Melissa Bright  1:02:16  
I feel like, you know, I am a little bit more vocal now and how I feel about things and and I don't know, if this person, you know, she's, she's, she's really nice. And maybe she doesn't want to say or hurt their feelings. But at the same time, I'm like, but this person is hurting your feelings telling you to get over something like, when first of all, they might have never been married or divorced. First of all, like, in that, I just feel like it's it's really rude to tell somebody to just be over it. You have no idea.

Martika  1:02:47  
Yeah, that wasn't true to come in. Because sometimes, sometimes it's it's, I don't know, sometimes it's a, it's needed, because some people don't know that they don't know. And, you know, I've been there on the other side, where I might just put my foot in my mouth and somebody gave me the business like, Oh, okay. And I'm like, Okay, and then I don't argue I'm like, okay, that Yeah, I shouldn't have said that. I was wrong, man. My bad. Right. Yeah,

Melissa Bright  1:03:13  
yeah. Well, just a couple more questions for you. If basically, my one of my last questions is, what is it that you want people to know about loss and grief? And I know, that's a loaded question. But for you, martica. What is your message about loss and grief?

Martika  1:03:31  
Well, that will all experience it at one time or the other. And to understand that their stages tend to stand that what you're feeling, what you're going through is is natural, and that you're not alone, and that there is support out there. And that you can develop new relationships, just because you lost your mother. You there's other mother figures, yes, they're not the same. Trust me. There's no, it's not the same as your biological, especially if you had a close relationship, because not all mother and daughter relationships are the best, but there's nothing that can replace the love of a mother, but to know that they're with you would spirit as your own. Personal you know, guardian angels makes me feel good. Because if you know how many times I've been in, like, for example, I was walking home from work one time but I was taking a shortcut. It was like through a very dark wooded area and this one coworker said hey, you should walk that way because you might get raped and I wanted to say can't break the whip rape, the willing, but I did say that because it was an invite, right? To say walk with angels, so they're gonna have to deal with them before they write me but I just when you know that they're with you in spirit. You feel safe, at least I do.

Melissa Bright  1:04:52  
Yeah. And it's really comforting. It's really really comforting. I had somebody that was on my podcast. And she is, how do I even put it? I don't know. She's very, very spiritual. And through the through the podcast, everything was fine. And I sent her a message on Instagram. And I decided, I said, Hey, I just wanted to say thank you for coming on to my show. And she's like, Hey, I was actually going to message you. I just wanted to let you know that your mom was behind you the whole time. And she was there. And like, it kind of took me back a little bit. Because sometimes it's like, hard to believe, like, okay, is this lady just saying whatever. But there's also a great comfort in knowing that, and I've heard a lot of people talk about, about that, um, and I'm just like, whatever real or fake, that makes me happy to know. But I also do believe I do definitely believe like, an energy is being around you, for sure. And so that just meant a lot that, that she said that to me, because there's a comfort, whatever you want to say it is your guardian angel, your energy, your, your whatever. I find comfort in it.

Martika  1:06:07  
Well, that's good. So that that made you feel better knowing that she's behind you, right. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And you know what, you know, it might take a little bit, but of practice, but you know, just talk to her. Yeah, talk to you talk to her. Well,

Melissa Bright  1:06:22  
I have a funny story for you one time, this is probably about two months after she passed away. We my daughter and I had moved into a new apartment. And behind the apartment, literally directly behind like out my window. There was a cemetery that backs up to our apartment complex. And my stepdad had told me a story that he felt my mom's side of the bed, like something, basically move in the bed like she had sat down beside him. And he was like, I just know that was your mom that had to be your mom, so on and so forth. So I told myself, okay, I'm going to try to talk to my mom, I'm going to whatever. So I told my mom, I said, Hey, Mom, if you're here, just give me some kind of sign or indication that you're here. Well, my daughter's a part of my daughter's apartment. My daughter's bedroom door was open. And about 30 seconds. No, I'd say probably about two minutes after that. I see a light coming in through my my daughter's bedroom. And I like start freaking out. I'm like, okay, mom, like, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I don't, I don't really mean that I'm not ready. I go in there. And I look at my mom's bedroom. And there's a damn vehicle in the frickin cemetery driving around. Oh, my gosh. So it wasn't really my mom. But that time, it kind of did scare me. I was like, Wow, she was like really on it. She like showed up immediately. But if it wound up, I'm not really I wouldn't say like vocally I do. Kind of maybe in my head a little bit, because I think that she can hear me whenever I'm in my head, you know? So I do do that.

Martika  1:08:03  
Yeah. And you know, once you do that, you know a little bit more, and just, you're still having a relationship with her, which is what they would love. But because we're in this depths were very depths. We can't really see anything apart from the physical, right. But if if we were to take the Blitz the veil, so many angels, so many loved ones, our ancestors are angels. They're always at our disposal. And once I started to really understand this concept, and really believe it, I decided to play with it a little bit. I remember one time I was looking for a receipt. Not that I needed it, but I had to know where it was I had to have it. So I know I looked in the most obvious places that I put a receipt. And you know, I was I look back on the kitchen counter, where would have it. And after a few minutes of looking around for it there was and it wasn't there before. So that's what I kind of got. Okay, that must be my mom. So anytime I'm missing something, I'll ask her to help me find it. But I try to go beyond that. You know? Yeah. Like, what should I do about this guy that was seeing? I need your advice, because I'm not the greatest and the last time he was over here. I noticed a dime at his feet. Were just something my mom would do. And so I'm confused now, Melissa, because I'm like, okay, does this mean that he's a keeper? Or he's not a keeper is like, does this mean she's here to protect me just in case he does something wrong? Okay, keeper. So I'm still confused. So we're still working on the communication part, right? Yeah, I know she's here. But what are you trying to say to me?

Melissa Bright  1:09:48  
Right, right. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. My last story. My friend just told me that she went and saw a Reiki healer And it's not something that I even thought that she would like do, which I mean, I don't care. But I was really intrigued that she did it. And she, she wanted to tell me about the stream that she had about her father and my father. They were best friends. They work together. Her father had passed away when she was younger. And then my dad just passed away in January. And she's like, Ma, Melissa, I haven't dumped in years. I do dream, but I don't remember him. And now ever since I've had this Reiki healing, I've dreamt every night. And last night, I had a dream about your dad and my dad. And that's where this I was having a conversation with them. And I told him, I was worried about them. And they asked, like, why are you worried about us? We're fine. But then apparently, my dad had told her that you need to tell Melissa, whatever she's doing to keep doing it. Like, she said that. And then she said that he's with me all the time. And then he sees me cry. Not that I cry all the time. But I cry enough. And I was just like, that will bring me comfort, too. You know? And it's like, sometimes it's hard to believe because it sounds perfect. It sounds perfect. But it's like, what if it really what if that is really what he told her even in her dream? Like, I swear to God, I have intuitions that come to me in the middle of the night all the time. It's this voice in my head that will say, blank, I will be stressed about something and all of a sudden it says no, you can let go that you don't got to worry about it. And I'm like,

Martika  1:11:30  
Oh, thank you. Yeah, yeah. Isn't that wonderful, though? Oh, yeah. It's so wonderful.

It is it is one of the questions that I usually ask all my guests. When they've lost somebody, have you had a visit? What was that? Like? You know, I always asked that, because I know how much comfort it brings maybe some joy even depending on the situation, but it just helps with the healing process you knowing, because that's the most important question. They're concerned. Where did the loved one go? We can't see them. Where are they? Are they okay? And that's the number one. So when you're able to see them, and know that they're okay, it frees you up? It doesn't you're not worried so much that you still have to deal with the grieving process. But at least that part of it is free. Yeah. Right. From worries. So

Melissa Bright  1:12:21  
yeah, yeah. Well, awesome. Well, I just have one more quite well, two more questions for you. And I keep saying questions, so I'm going to cut that out. But, um, where can people connect with you at if they would maybe want to do do you do online group group stuff? Or no?

Unknown Speaker  1:12:39  
Yes, I will be starting that shortly having to at the moment, but that is something that I really want to get into. I am offering the five steps to gratefully course. And so probably discount that first for people who who want to join. And yeah, but that's where I'd like to start that off. It'll be a Facebook group.

Melissa Bright  1:13:01  
Yeah. Awesome. And where can people are you what is your Facebook? Do you have a group or a page or

Martika  1:13:06  
I have a page, it's called them? I believe it's three buddies, but you can always reach me at my website. Great buddies. COMM can connect me? Connect with me through there or email me at Green?

Melissa Bright  1:13:23  
Perfect. Okay. And I asked this question to all of my guests artega What does the bright side of life mean to you? Oh, that's

Martika  1:13:34  
a good question. What's the bright side of life mean to me? Well, it means it means being able to go through all that you've gone through and still see the beauty in it, you know, to because the world could be a very, very cool place. But if you can go through a lot of trauma, a lot of adversity and still see the beauty in it to still understand sights to see the big picture. For example, show it show you this dream that I had, I was in a very dark place. I was in a marriage and I want to be in I was writing the book having fun with God at the time. And I was asking a lot of questions. I was asking spirit. Why? Why am I in this marriage? Why did I deserve somebody treating me so bad? Have I been such a bad person I and I need to know, how is this? You know, why am I going through this? And in the dream. I was standing and I was looking at a mural on a very yellow background like a light but bright yellow. And it looked like somebody had taken buckets of paint and I'm talking about the colors of the rainbow at every hue in between. and black and white thrown up against this yellow background and the splashes were all over the place and just there was you know, it was just kind of random And I was turning clockwise in the mural was going the opposite way. But I was standing still, and I remember feeling of presence behind me saying trust the process, see the perfection. Yet, Melissa, all I can see was a bunch of colors, right on this mural background. And I woke up this morning and I felt that piece even though I did not know what the heck God was talking about, or our voice, but I thought, Okay, I will trust the process and see the perfection. Yeah, but that to me is the bright side. Like you're you're not sure how things are going to turn out. But you're optimistic that at the end of the day, that Love is the answer. And ultimate reality. We all come from love. We all come from light.

Melissa Bright  1:15:49  
Yeah. Beautiful, beautiful answer. Can I ask you what it means to when it says trust the process? I know what that means. But see the perfection? What does that part mean?

Martika  1:16:03  
For me, it means that everything that is happening is supposed to be happening. Whether we think we're it's not supposed to at all. Gotcha. Very hard to wrap your head around. But yeah, nothing is happening by mistake. The universe didn't make any mistakes by creating any of us or anything that we hear See, taste, smell, or sense. And, yeah, that's that we're just all part of the bigger picture. Okay.

Melissa Bright  1:16:34  
That makes sense. Because I'm a perfectionist. And I was like, No, I don't need to see perfection. I need to get away from it. But it's just asking you to see, see the beauty no matter what it is, even if it is messy right now you just got to trust the process. Exactly. I'm glad I asked that. Well, thank you so so much for coming on here to share all your wonderful knowledge with me. Yes. Thank you for listening to this week's episode of the bright side of life. I didn't mention this at the beginning of the episode. But tomorrow, August 6, is my mom's 10 years 10 year anniversary of her passing. So I wanted to re release this episode around this time. Because looking back on these last 10 years, I really do wish I would have seen a great grief coach like martica, if nothing more than just to understand and educate myself on what I was about to experience. Instead, I just stayed in denial and I pushed down those feelings for a really long time. And I promise you, what you do not deal with, especially a loss and especially a loss of a parent will come out eventually, or it will live inside you and possibly turn into some kind of ailment. I have lived with anxiety, I have lived with anger, all kinds of different things that come out of me in certain ways that really do stem back all to losing my mom. So there is nothing wrong with seeking any kind of help to help deal with a loss of anybody that you need to deal with. It doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. It's all about how you are handling it if you need to get help. There is nothing wrong with that. So if you guys are interested in Martinez podcast, that is the grieve with ease podcast or if you're interested in her services, please look up her information as it's going to be in the show notes and you can just click right there. So with that being said, if you guys know of anybody that may need to hear Martinez story, please please share this episode with them. Because we never know if this is the one that puts hope back in their heart.


Martika WhyllyProfile Photo

Martika Whylly

Grief Coach

Martika Whylly is a certified grief counsellor and the author of Having fun with God. She is the Host of the Grieve with Ease podcast. Her path to heal others that grieve became clear after she wrote her book. A personal journey about death, loss and how Martika handled grief.