Signs You're Self-Sabotaging and How To Stop It

Melissa Bright: 0:00

Hello, everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of the bright side of life. I am your host, Melissa bright. And if you can't tell, I am feeling much, much better after having COVID For freakin two weeks, I feel so much better. And my energy is back. So yay. Let's celebrate that. All right, today is a solo episode. And we are going to be talking about I was going to say a love hate relationship. But no, it's just a hate relationship, we're going to be talking about self sabotaging guys. And I don't know if you're guilty of it. I know I'm guilty of it. But that's why I want to talk about it, I want to talk about it. Because it's very important, it has been a big part of my life. self sabotaging obviously, affects our lives. And so we're gonna be going over what it is and ways or signs that you're self sabotaging. And we're also going to be talking about how it can impact our life which it can impact our life in so many different ways. We're gonna go over different types. Yes, there's different types of self sabotage, why would there not be. And finally, I'm gonna give you solutions to this guys, I'm gonna give you some solutions to how we can stop self sabotaging. And then we'll also of course, talk about why we even do this in the first place. So if you guys want to get out your notebooks, feel free. You might want to take some of this down if you yourself, know that you're a self sabotager. But if you're driving, of course, don't do that. Okay, let's go ahead and get started. Welcome to The Bright Side of Life, a podcast where people share their personal stories of struggles, pain and grief. But through all of that, they are still able to find the joys in life. All right, so let's start at the very beginning, what is self sabotage. And basically, it involves any attitude or behavior that doesn't match up with your values, and interferes with your ability to achieve your life goals. So of course, we all do things time to time that can get in the way of our progress. But more importantly, self sabotage is a pattern of thoughts and actions that creates ongoing problems and prevents you from moving forward and facing change successfully. So it really meant a lot to me when I first saw this definition of like, were, like, our values that we have. And I was like, Oh, my gosh, I really do need to, like understand my values as a person more and really think about ways that I am self sabotaging those those values, you know, so that was something like a little bit of an aha moment for me. And so things that it can kind of look like which I'll go into more detail, but this is what it can look like. And we'll go more in depth in it. It's, you know, the regularly engaging in self defeating behaviors like procrastination, check for me. Perfectionism. Yes, negative self talk, yes, avoidance, or conflict. This is often driven by anxiety, fear, self doubt. And then they undermine your efforts to really build the life that you want. It really becomes problematic when the behavior becomes a habit. And it's done so automatically, that you don't even fully realize that you're doing it, or that it's leading directly to negative consequences. So I know that I am very, very guilty of this, and you guys might start recognizing it once I go over 11 of the signs that you're self sabotaging. For me, it is looked several different ways. But you guys heard when they said procrastination and perfectionism. Well, that self sabotage right there, and I'm going to tell you why I know that my procrastination does not come from a place of laziness, because I am not a lazy person. It comes from the fear of it not being perfect, which is another sign of self sabotage, perfectionism. So I know that I will procrastinate if there is a big important thing in my life, like a goal that I want to achieve. I have been known to procrastinate on it because I am so freaking scared that I'm going to fail. I'm not going to know enough. I'm not qualified. I had enough, you know, depending on the goal that it is, but for me and my coaching business, I procrastinated for a really long time because of those exact reasons. I didn't think that I knew enough or had all these cert. So I can even talk certificates, you know, being certified and other things. So I have definitely helped self sabotage in other ways. But I just want to give you guys kind of an idea of what that does look like. So why don't we just go ahead and go into more ways that we are self sabotaging. And here is where you might want to, you know, jot these down. And also I want to remind you, if if this is you, and you are doing these things, this is not the time to beat yourself up. I am not trying to tell you these things to make you feel worse about yourself. I'm trying to create an awareness around behaviors and patterns that you might be doing so we can stop it. That is the very first thing that you do when you want to change a behavior is that you become aware that you're even doing it and unlike you heard before, we might not even realize that we're doing these things because for a long time, I did not realize why the hell I procrastinated. I'm like, maybe I am lazy. Nope, I was scared of shit that I did not know better. Okay, so let's go over these signs. If you avoid people in situations that make you uncomfortable, and of course, there is a what is the word? What am I trying to say there is an exception to every rule. Okay? But like, what if this, you know, you're avoiding people like what if it's successful people that you're afraid to even engage with because you feel like you might not be smart enough or you don't know like, that could be a form of, of self sabotage, you have this goal that you want to be work at this job, or you want to get a promotion. But you don't even go or contact the people that you even need to get to that further step. So of course, you know, I'm not talking about like social anxiety, even though that could be part of it. So just kind of try to think of this in that you don't have to have every single one of these signs. So let's continue staying within your comfort zone and avoiding change. Okay, yep. I am definitely guilty of that. Because change is scary guys change is we I know for me, it's always a place of, I'm scared, I'm gonna fail, I'm scared, I'm gonna fail. Now. My motto is let's go freakin fail, because I'm going to get a lot further if I fail, and I'm going to learn not to do it that way, then by not doing at all. It literally keeps us in the same freakin place. If we just stay in our comfort zone, you will not grow you will not achieve your goals. If you stay in your comfort zone, I'll get off my soapbox. Alright, setting goals that are too low to ensure success. So that is only something that you that you can measure, you know, are your goals too low? I go opposite. I go high high high goals. And then when I don't achieve them, then I'm upset with myself. That's that's the perfectionist in me. Right? So it could go for me I think it could go either way. And that's just a an honest conversation you need to have with yourself, am I setting these goals way too low. Creating conflict with romantic partners, loved ones, friends or coworkers. I'm going to repeat this one again, creating conflict with romantic partners, loved ones, friends, or coworkers, guys, I have self sabotage my relationship with my boyfriend more times than I care to admit. Why? Because I did not think I was worthy of His love. I did not think I was worthy of a stable relationship. I did not think I was worthy of a peaceful environment because that's not the life that I grew up in. I grew up in a very very chaotic life and moved around all the time. So we will do this subconsciously we don't even realize we are doing this guys. That's why it's so important to reflect into into ask yourself these hard questions like am I self sabotaging? There are so many times that I know that I did because I did not think that I was worthy of a stable relationship. Another way you might be trying to self sabotage is you try to control others attempting to gain others approval. I know I have been guilty of that. Getting attempting to gain other's approval trying to get permission from them to do what the fuck I want to do if I want to go start a podcast, I don't need your permission. Old Melissa would have tried to seek permission should I do this? Should I do this? And then I'm going to talk to somebody that doesn't even know what a frickin podcast is. And they're going to tell me no. And why would I do that? And how much work does it entail? And then I've already talked myself out of it. Self Sabotage right there. That is not what I do with my podcast. That was actually the first time I stood up. Not I didn't have to stand up to anybody. But I made the decision and nobody was going to talk me out of it. All right, making excuses. That is such an important one, guys. And once again, that is something I can't tell you what your excuses are, you only know what your excuses are. And if it's hindering you, could you have really made it to the gym today? Could you have really written a couple more pages you needed for your book? Could you have recorded a podcast episode. And that's something that you just have to be clear with with yourself. Because this is where it's really hard, the line becomes very thin, at least for me. Yesterday, I had some personal things going on that really were kind of affecting my mental health a little bit. And I was not in a place to record an episode, I, if I'm recording an episode, I want to be in a good mood, and I want that to be able to be portrayed to you guys. So I just wasn't feeling it yesterday. So I was okay, with the trade off of well, you can have a shitty episode, and they can tell that you're sad, and you're just really not in a good place to be recording. Or you can sleep on it, wake up and record tomorrow morning and get it out in a couple hours. That's what I chose to do. But only you know what your excuses are. And it's really hard. I know, this is probably one of the most hardest for me, because I don't know if I'm making excuses or whatever. But that's where, you know, one of my other issues with not putting out my episode, because it's Tuesday now, and they usually come out Tuesday morning is I was like, oh my god, I'm gonna disappoint all my listeners, you know, they're gonna be mad at me, you know, they look forward to listening to my stuff, you know, in the car on Tuesdays and, and I get that, and I do feel bad for that. But then I have to ask myself, like, but I just, it wouldn't have been good, they wouldn't have enjoyed it. So that's another one, taking actions that do not match your values and goals. This is a huge one. And I feel like you might if you don't know already writing down your values and goals. Because once you know your values and what you want, you know, your goals, it's easy to match up what you're doing. And if they don't align, then you're self sabotaging, potentially, or you shouldn't be doing that thing, right? Like, why am I I'm trying to I'm trying to think of an example. Like values that I have. And there's so many more different values that like I didn't even consider in terms of like, you know, you have values around like truth and like being an honest person and being a good person. But like, there's also other values of like, you know, having high integrity and things like that. So you can literally just Google like, what are what are different values, and you can go and pick yours and be like, yeah, that's, that's definitely a value that I value. And these are my goals and like, if they don't match up with like, what the hell you're doing now, like, stop that. You don't need to do that. Don't Don't do that. Okay, I guess about like, biggest example is like if you value being healthy and eating healthy like that, having a healthy lifestyle, and then you go and have McDonald's, that's not aligning with your values. And of course, like there's an exception I'm not making you feel bad that you just wouldn't have McDonald's that's not what I'm saying. But if that is something that is very, very high on your value chart, and then you're like yeah, I definitely realized I you know, just messed up but once again, these are up to you and these are things that you have to be okay if like if you did want McDonald's and Okay, self sabotaging comparing yourself to others, because when you compare yourself to others, and you said oh, look at that person. They are so much more qualified than I am. Why am I even trying to do this? Oh my gosh, everybody out there is Already a coach, why would I even try to attempt to go coach people? I have no idea what I'm talking about. Oh my gosh, look at that girl in the gym. She has so many more muscles and what why am I even trying to start this why I'm not going to be able to ever get in her place. That's self sabotage, guys, because you're going to veer off, and you're going to compare yourself and you're just going to talk yourself out of trying to reach those goals. Let us continue social withdrawal or isolation, that can obviously be a form of self sabotage. Because if you, you know, you're wanting to get out, you're wanting to go meet your friends, because you do value time with your friends and spending time with them. And you don't do that that can be a form of self sabotage. And you might realize that, I know that I have been guilty of definitely doing that when I am not mentally doing very good. I know I withdraw and isolate myself and sometimes I am okay with that. Because I just know that I'm in a better place just to be by myself and reflect and think about things but only you know that and then the last one risky behaviors, such as substance abuse, gambling, overspending, and promiscuity. And once again, that you only know like is your substance abuse self, sabotaging your career, your goals, your relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend. So those are some ways that you can be self sabotaging. Now, let's talk about how these impact your life I know I gave some examples, but there might be some other ones on here that you that I did not mention. So self sabotaging your romantic relationships. As I already said, sometimes people do things that undermine long term romantic relationships. They engage in behaviors that ultimately lead to a breakup. Often born out of fear of loss full Jeff, romantic self sabotage can involve blaming picking fights, giving the silent treatment, controlling or monitoring a person's behavior constantly seeking reassurance, cleanliness, having impossibly high standards and leaving relationships before they even have a chance to develop. I know I'm definitely definitely guilty of some of those, like picking fights, like I don't know that I'm doing this guy's telling you a lot of these behaviors. And patterns can come from a sub conscious level until you do it. And then you reflect and you're like, Yep, that was self sabotaging. self sabotaging your career. That involves actions that prevent you from achieving your career goals. Fear of failure, or anxiety about uncertainty can trap you in your comfort zone and prevent you from advancing despite a desire to do so this leads to unhappiness at work, that negatively in fact, affects your mental health and well being and it can also lead someone to frequently changing jobs, I'm also going to tell you, self, sabotaging your career can also be fear of success, guys, that's where I'm at, I am probably more afraid of success, or I was than I was a failure. Because for a long time, I did not believe that I was worthy of having a awesome career that provided money, career job, whatever it is that that you want to put there. So I'm going to add to that it could be fear of failure or fear of success. And it can also be both because of course I don't want to fail. But I'm real scared also have success because success requires a different, Melissa. Well, I wouldn't say that I like I consider my six myself as successful podcaster now, but like, if I want to be top 10 mental health on Apple podcasts in the United States. Like that requires a whole nother level and commitment. Not saying I'm willing, I'm not willing to do that. But it's like you're scared because you're like, Am I really worthy of that? Like, am I really the greatest podcaster that I that I think I am. So that's just an example of ways that fear of success can also be self sabotaging self sabotaging your education. It can be intentional or unintentional, often driven by anxiety, and a lack of self confidence and involves behaviors that explain why a student is failing or generally performing poorly when failure can be blamed on actions like procrastination or purposefully not trying it's a reflection of choice rather than inherent lack of ability. Yeah, that one. That one definitely can be one. You know, if you're not trying, and you know that you could do better. Same thing, and it could definitely be a fear of success. Also, like if you're in college, you're like, Oh my god. I'm going to get my master's and then you think you're like maybe not worthy of that or whatever. All right, and then the last one self sabotaging your relationships with friends and family. This is often driven by a sense of competition that comes from a need to prove your worth, equality and superiority. It can also stem from trying to control others or win their approval negative behavior that interferes with positive relationships with what loved ones might involve passive aggressive hate behavior clean as false compliments approval seeking boasting constant explaining or frequent check ins to see if others are angry or upset with you. That's not really one that I have really had to deal with, but it might be one for you. So now we're gonna go over the different types of self sabotage. I know that I have mentioned a lot of them, but let's let's go ahead and go over him. So here are the fives. five types of self sabotage procrastination. As I mentioned already, it involves stalling rather than immediately driving, diving into a project. delaying action and engaging in distractions help people avoid stress, anxiety, and otherwise emotionally uncomfortable situations even though they might, even though they might ultimately lead to growth. Learning how to overcome procrastination can help stop forms of self sabotage. This is one of those times guys that you just got to get freakin real with yourself. Why are you procrastinating? Is it because you are like you don't want to do like you don't want it to be stress or are you scared of failing? Are you scared of success? Are you you know if procrastination does not always mean that you are self sabotaging. It could mean like dude, I am so freakin tired. I just worked 12 hours today and the last thing I want to go do is clean the house like I that I get it. It's you know when it's procrastinating when it's involving very important goals that you are wanting to reach and you are not doing those. Once again, conversation for yourself. To be honest with yourself. Perfectionism is a next one is a need for everything to be completely perfect, and it can be self defeating. Holy shit can it ever be self defeating? It's an intense sense of perfectionism prevents people from advancing in their career or enjoying satisfying long term relationships because it sets an impossibly high standard. Perfectionism at work or school can prevent people from taking necessary risks or even completing projects. Thankfully, there are ways to overcome perfectionism there definitely is but guys, once again, this is another one, I have a friend out there that he might be listening to this episode. And he has admitted that he is a huge perfectionist that is sitting on so much music because he is a producer. And he wants it to be perfect. So he has not released any of these songs. And I kind of got real with him. And I'm like, you've been sitting on these songs for how long? Like Done is better than perfect. Let me repeat that Done is better than perfect, guys. You don't know. If you put that thing out there, how people are going to react. You're already putting your judgment on there when you have no idea what other people will think of it. When I first started recording these episodes, I can't tell you how many solo episodes that I re recorded because I'm like, that's not good enough. That's not good enough. That's not good enough. That's just me. That's my own bullshit. I can put it out there and somebody could love it. So just remember what I just said Done is better than perfect. That has helped me a lot. Number four, resisting change. Once again, guys, we are talking about ways types of self sabotage. So Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry. I missed one self criticism, negative self talk. That is the third one. So negative self talk and harsh, harsh self criticism can affect our actions and prevent us from meeting our goals. It's frequently automatic, as we know running through our minds unchecked as an instant reaction to ourselves, others and the situations we encounter every day, listening to harsh self criticism is a form of self sabotage because doing so prevents us from believing that we have what it takes to achieve our goals. This one I feel like this one is probably one of the most affects people the most you know, we always all have that inner critic that is telling us why we aren't good enough or why we shouldn't even try to obtain this goal and and all these things, and it's bad and sometimes we just need to snap back at her him Whoever your little inner critic is, some people call their inner bitch or give her a name, give him a name, whatever you want to say. And frickin acknowledge her and say no, like, I'm not listening to you, this is not true, I'm absolutely capable, worthy, willing to do what it is that I want to achieve my goals. So that's a huge one. All right, next next one for resisting change, uncertainty and tolerance is an underlying is an underlying form of anxiety and resisting change can keep people trapped in their comfort zone and involves clinging to old habits, making excuses such as being too busy making goals without taking the proper steps to meet them, or avoiding goal setting altogether. resistance to change prevents people from healthy risk taking or trying new things that could lead to growth. This is a huge one, guys, this is a huge one. For a lot of people, and I get it, it is so scary to step out and to try something different or to see what's going to happen. Because you're scared that you're you are going to fail or whatever, whatever excuse that you have. But I promise you on the other side of this is such amazingness and you grow and you grow in ways you never thought you would and you impress yourself and that boosts your self confidence. And then you're like, Oh, I am worthy. It is just like literally a ripple effect of amazingness once you do start changing things, especially if you are wanting to change your situation. So freakin bad, whatever situation you are in, if it's a financial burden, if it's a relationship that you want to get out of, if it's a career change that you want to do, if it's a omega God, a hobby that you want to do, like, now is the freakin time and you can get rid of old habits and you can stop making excuses because if you can, like think about that thing that you want, then you can absolutely absolutely have that thing you want. But you gotta get real with yourself and you got to get rid of excuses. Okay, dun dun with my soapbox once again. Number five is the last one poor self care not taking proper care of yourself is a form of self sabotage that can prevent you from thriving. This includes poor eating habits lack of sleep, not exercising or avoiding visits with a doctor or therapist for physical and mental challenges. It can also involve engaging in risky risky behaviors and self like self medicating with alcohol or drugs, comfort eating gambling or risky sex once again that one is pretty self set self I almost said self saboteur treasury. It's self explanatory and only you know that guys but yeah, absolutely. Alcohol and drugs can be self defeat or it can be self sabotaging. If that's affecting you getting to your goals, gambling, if it's getting in the way of your goals, risky sex, if it's getting in the way of your goals, like if you want to strive for a healthy relationship with a person why are you going to do something that is going to sabotage a relationship and that can involve risky sex? I don't need to give examples. You guys know the examples? I'm sure you do. Okay, so let's give some answers let's give some ways that we can stop self sabotaging, shall we? And once again, I want to remind you please don't feel bad if you're like yeah, I basically checked all these boxes. Um, don't worry, I check all these boxes too. But you know what? I'm gonna I have self compassion around myself and I'm not going to blame myself and I know that I'm getting control and you're in control. You can change this behavior your patterns at any time guys, I promise you, you are in the driver's seat. You absolutely can change these so please, please don't beat yourself up. Right D Let's stop. Let's stop self sabotaging. How can we do that? Well, you can boost your awareness, which I am such a fan of and talk about all the time when you spend time and self reflection to increase your self awareness. It helps you to realize if you're self sabotaging, you ask these hard questions. I asked myself Melissa, why have I not tried to start coaching yet? Is there something going on? Are you scared like Are you scared? Yeah, yeah, Melissa I actually am really scared I'm scared that I you know I'm not qualified enough. I don't know enough. I'm gonna disappoint them. Things like that. Guys. It can just be a simple question like that. Why am I am I self sabotaging? Why am I self sabotaging? Where is this coming from? And as we know this, the simple answers are usually anxiety, they're around fear, so on and so forth. So you can try journaling regularly to document your behaviors and thought patterns To see if you can identify where they are coming from pause several times throughout the day to check in with yourself. And as you do this, you're going to develop insight about yourself, you can become more intentional, more intentional, about where you need to make changes, I'm telling you, my therapist told me that I am one of the most self aware people that she has ever came across. And I'm happy because I can usually stop my bullshit pretty quickly. Now, of course, there's layers to our bullshit, right? Like, we gotta peel back the layers to be like, Oh, why am I scared? Where is this coming from? And then we're gonna get like way deep down into like, fucking daddy issues from a long time ago. But that's how far these these issues can become. And sometimes they can be surface level, you only know that. So journaling and asking yourself questions is huge. Once again, have self compassion. It is okay. If your answer is because I'm scared of shit. I'm scared to change careers because this is all I've known for the past 15 years. That is okay. It is okay, that you're scared. Just becoming self aware, can be so important because so often as we heard, a lot of this stuff is happening in our subconscious mind and we don't even know we're doing it. Next way that we can stop self sabotaging is Look before you leap. This old proverb holds wisdom for modern day self sabotage. As you begin to notice negative behaviors or thoughts and feelings. Ask yourself whether these habits are helping or hurting you. Simple as that. Is this helping? Or is this hurting me? Often we feel pressured to do something or avoid doing something out of fear. So taking a moment to decide if something will hold you back or move you forward can prevent self sabotage, it is as simple as that, guys, if you have a goal in your mind, and you want to achieve it. Ask yourself Is this is this thing going to hurt? hinder me? Is it going to help me? And then you have your answer? All right, this is one of my favorite ones, set meaningful goals and pair them with an action plan. I'm gonna say this one again, set meaningful goals and pair them with an action plan. meaningful goals help you live with intention, even more powerful, pair meaningful goals with specific actions. Consider your deepest values when setting your goals. What do you want more of in your life, what creates a sense of meaning and purpose, what makes you feel energized and alive, then decide what small steps you can take to move towards your goal. This is one of the most important ones that I am guilty of, of not having a clear action plan. I know my goals, but it's like I don't have the action plan to get there. And just think of the action plan is like your roadmap. simplest one, you know if you're wanting to lose weight, or gain muscle, or whatever it is, just let's talk about the healthy like whatever your goal, I want to lose weight, I want to lose 10 pounds, I want to gain 10 pounds and muscle, maybe that's your goal, then you have to of course come up with some kind of action plan. Well, I'm going to work out four times a week, I'm going to eat more protein, I'm going to do this. So you have your goals. You have your action plan and your roadmap. And then your intention is my intention is to feel better. My My intention is to not ache in the morning. My intention is to have more energy. So once you have that intention, then you can do your goals and your action plan. And I feel like that's where a lot of people fall off. Myself included is we just don't we don't create an action plan. We have all this shit in our head. I want to do this. I want to do this. Yeah, that sounds great. But we don't ever set the intentions and have an action plan to get you there. And that's something that I'm really really passionate about doing it because there's so many things that I'm like yeah, that sounded nice in theory, but have I ever really even tried that? No, I didn't put it to action. So it's something I'm really really trying to be intentional with. All right. The next way we can stop self self sabotaging is make small changes. Positive Action certainly beat self set self defeating action but remember that habits are most effectively changed in small steps. most effectively changed in small steps guys, this is huge. So think think in terms of making incremental changes, little small changes, replace one thought or behavior every day and give yourself time to make that change a habit. I am such a fan of this because My transformation over the last two years, my healing journey, whatever you want to call it. This was not done overnight at all, these were little small baby steps that I had to do. And little small. Like dealing with these little, like the inner critic, you know, one day, the inner critic, it could be about perfectionism. And I was scared that I would succeed. And then the next day, it could be oh, well, now I'm scared to fail. And there's always going to be different situations. So it's always going to come up. So don't think that you have to change yourself in a day, because it's just not going to happen. And just the small steps can do that. So I used to be a person that was sometimes in victim mode thinking, not even in victim mode. But there was an old belief that I always that I realized I've had for a really long time, because well, people told me, I was a single mom. And so Well, the truth about single moms is that they're going to struggle, they're not going to have any money, they're going to be on food stamps, they're going to do this than the other. So that was a story that I told myself for a really long time, trying to get out of that fucking story. And that belief is really hard. So I have to take baby steps to be like, No, I can be a single mom, but I can be a successful single mom, I can be a thriving single mom, I can be this. Okay, so like shedding the old stories that no longer serve you like I'm not even a single mom anymore. I have a boyfriend that's been in my life for five years. Why the fuck am I still holding on to single moms stories of I'm supposed to struggle. So these things are gonna happen. It's in small changes. So don't beat yourself up. If like, your everything isn't fixed, and then like another situation comes up and you're like, wow, yeah, that part of me hasn't that that's still a not a soft spot. That's still like an an ouch. Like, that's still a trigger for me. I haven't quite figured that out. That's okay. Not everything is going to come out. And I told you different experiences are going to have different things happen. And you're just going to have to ask yourself, Okay, next one ways to stop self sabotaging. Befriend yourself, guys become your best friend, the inner critic is primarily a factor in underlying self sabotage. Therefore, replacing automatic self critical thoughts with more nurturing ones is a crucial step in self sabotage, develop a gentle accepting attitude towards yourself by acknowledging your emotions and accepting past mistakes as part of the human experience. This is this was so important for me for my transformation, because I'm telling you, my inner critic was so, so loud. I didn't like myself because of past, past things that I didn't achieve, like not finishing college and, and being a struggling single mom. And so I always had like, well, you're just not worthy. And this is just always going to be your life, then I started replacing each of these thoughts. Well, that's not true. No, I don't have to be struggling. No, I am capable. Yes, I am worth it. And just talking back back to this person, either aloud or in your head, it doesn't matter. And just having a more self compassionate attitude, like you're, you're just human going through this human experience. And you're more than likely doing the same thing as another person isn't, is doing. And that was something that I really realized. And that's why I'm so vulnerable on my social media, because I need to tell other people that my house isn't clean. And I'm not going to fucking clean it just because my friends coming over because we're going somewhere, and I don't care and I did not have time for that. And so I gave myself grace and realize most of your frickin busy person and your friend is not going to care. Like when you change these little messages to yourself, you can become your friend and befriend yourself. I promise you, it can happen. All right. We have just a couple more so the next one is known. Embrace your strengths. Everyone has character strengths. Yes, even you that can help them thrive once identified, acknowledged and embraced. Reflect on your strengths. Identify not just things you do well, but attitude you hold dear and positive emotions you experience. When do you feel your best? Knowing your strengths and finding ways to use those strengths? At least one day, at least one every day can help you develop self love what you guys know I'm such a fan of self love. Yeah, guys, write down a list of your strengths. You are so much more capable than you realize. You have so many more strengths than you realize. And when you write them down, you're like, holy shit. I am actually a badass. I think sometimes we like him. hear other people's strings. I mean, like, I can't do that. I can't do that. No, don't worry about them. What can you do? You can do a lot of amazing things. I promise you write down your list and you'll you'll see. All right, the next one, mindfulness practice mindfulness guys. Mindfulness is a way of life that involves being fully present and grounded in each moment. Mindfulness is a way of life that involves being fully present and grounded in each moment. It helps you separate the past, from the present, as well as thoughts from your reality. This in turn helps you choose how to respond to a problematic situation or person. Mindfulness once again was one of my biggest ways of getting out of the past and thinking about all my old stories that I used to tell myself and all the trauma that affected me. Losing my dad losing my mom not having any more parents being a struggling single mom, I'm not finishing college. All that stuff is in the past and I don't have to take that with me today. That is not what is happening right now in this moment. What is happening in this moment, is I am sitting in my office with my blinds open the sun shining on my face, my puppy dog in the couch next to me sleeping, and I am recording a podcast episode doing what I freakin love to do, which is helping people not feel alone and helping them feel better. That is my current reality. And when you can do that, and you can realize I'm here Melissa is here right now she is not 10 years ago. She is not when she was 16 she is not that anymore. This can really really help with being stuck in old stuff like well old Melissa used to do this so new Melissa has to or new Melissa's if you think like I'm not even there yet, that's okay. But you can always change that you're just one step away of always changing a bit belief, a pattern a thought a habit, whatever you can change right now starting today, with all this shit, I'm giving you about self sabotaging. All right, and of course, the very last one is work with a mental health therapist guys, you can work with a coach also, I might know one haha. So a therapist or coach can gently guide you towards a deep self deeper self understanding and they can also provide tips and strategies for facing down self sabotaging thoughts and finding ways to boost your emotional self care. And of course, as you guys know, find a therapist and or coach that you feel comfortable with. And you can begin to process and transforming your life. So those are my my things about self sabotage. I do want to go over a little bit because we've we've talked about different ways that we can and I just want you to really understand why we do self sabotage. Because it's so important. I am all about education. I'm all about you guys understanding where this is coming from like when you know and you're like holy shit. I understand like this isn't just because I like this isn't because something's wrong with me. No, there's there's reasons for everything. There's reasons why we operate. So why do we self sabotage this become this is behaviors that are usually driven by fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, that I say fear, which can give rise to toxic perfectionism or habitual procrastination. This drives anxiety and leads people to think in terms of what ifs, in worst case scenarios. How who's guilty of what ifs? What if this happens? What if this happens? Oh, my God, worst case scenario, this is what's going to happen. Just distorted beliefs about ourselves and others, and or the world can drive people to avoid emotional pain, like rejection and failure. We get it. We don't want to be rejected. We don't want to go to ask our boss for a freaking raise. Like we don't want to be rejected by that. We don't want to go tell the person that we have a secret crush on that we're absolutely like madly in love with him. I don't want to be rejected by him. Oh my god, there was a biggest mosquito in here. Yeah, and our harsh inner critic can also cause people to engage in unproductive actions and avoid and avoid taking those positive actions distorted beliefs develop. In part from our inherent negative negativity bias our brain vigilantly looks for problems in order to keep us safe from any type of harm. How many times have you guys freaking heard me say that the brain just wants to keep you safe. That's the only job your brain has is to keep you safe. It does not want you trying new things, but you have to. So therefore, without fully realizing it, we watch for trouble hold on to old problems and imagine new difficulties as a way of staving off physical harm. external damage. The sense of danger in the world sometimes stems from childhood or more recent trauma, unstable family relationships or unhealthy attachment patterns. Don't get me started on on on healthy attachment patterns, we have them you have them. I'm almost positive there are so many people in the world that have an unhealthy attachment patterns and it's nothing more nothing's wrong with us. I promise nothing is wrong with us. It's how we were raised. Such negative experiences can cause fear of abandonment, yes check and rejection as well as diminished sense of safety and security that contributes to self sabotaging behavior. Guys, that is so huge. Hell, yes, I'm, I'm scared of being abandoned. Why would I not. I lost my mom at the age of 25. And I lost my dad last year. I don't have parents here anymore. Like, literally, that was the worst. Those were the two worst things. And I'm not I'm I'm not saying this because I want you to feel sorry for me that I lost my parents. But these are beliefs that I'm carrying with me now. I lost the two most important people in my life, besides my daughter and boyfriend, all before the age of 36. Why would I not be scared of abandonment. So now I have to change that thought that Brandon is not going to leave me that my daughter is not going to leave me that my friends aren't going to leave me. Fair of fear. Fear of abandonment, also was carried over because my dad wasn't in my life. He left us basically when I was seven years old, and I talked to him once a year for until he died. Yeah, I felt fucking abandoned. You probably have similar experiences. So attachment styles. I'm gonna get off my soapbox after this. I won't go into all the attachment styles. But like, fear of attachment is from when you were little and you got dropped off every single day at a daycare and you didn't come to get picked back up. Not saying anything was wrong with your parents. But that literally starts telling you as a little child, I don't have anybody here that loves me, you're being passed off into another care provider. This is not from me. This is from experts. I had an attachment specialist on here. How to Fix attachment issues by Adam Elaine Smith. You want to hear all about attachment that's on there guys. These were things that work done to us as little kids and how our brains formed. Yeah, I'm gonna I'm gonna stop. I'm gonna stop there. But I really really hope that this episode was helpful. I know some friends that are currently going through some stuff with self sabotaging I told you I was just guilty of it yesterday. But now I have better tools and soda you now with me talking about all of this stuff. These are tools guys, these are ways Oh, this is how I can help this. This is how I can become aware education, self awareness, two of the most important things. So if you want to email me and tell me like hey, this was awesome. I really enjoyed it. Or hey, I just realized that I was guilty of this. I would love to hear any of your feedback guys. I am doing this to help you. I have been in this place. I am still working through stuff. And that's all I want to do is I just want to help people because I know the shit that I go through and I don't want you to have to go through it any longer. So yeah, shoot me an email message me on Facebook. message me on wherever I'm currently now really, really working hard on my tick tock so if you guys want to follow me there, you guys can do that. I'm gonna look up my tick tock name. What is my tick tock name? It's at Mel bright 13 So if you want to look me up on tick tock, I'm doing stuff there too, at Mel bright 13. And as you guys know, as usual, please, please, please share this episode with someone that may need to hear it. Because you never know if this is the one that puts hope back in their heart.