Taking care of yourself. Jennifer's story of leaving her husband and loving herself after finding out a shocking secret.

Jennifer Yassen: 0:00

We tend to be like it's we, it's about us, we don't take care of ourselves. I didn't protect myself in this case. So I didn't think I needed to protect myself from someone that I thought was my person. I'm not recommending you live life with armor on or protecting yourself, but always take care of yourself.

Melissa Bright: 0:16

Welcome to The Bright Side of Life, a podcast where people share their personal stories of struggles, pain and grief. But through all of that, they are still able to find the joys in life. Hi, friends, it's Melissa bright. And I am back for another week's episode of The Bright Side of Life podcast, a podcast created to help you not feel alone in your struggles. And to give you hope to know that there still can be happiness, peace and joy. Despite those hard times in life, if you would like to support the podcast, you can do so by going right to our website, the bright side of life podcast.com And just click on the donate button. And it's as simple as buying me a coffee, just click on Buy me a coffee, thank you for the continued support, it really does help pay these monthly subscriptions that we have so many of for just simply producing this podcast and trying to get it out to our audience. So thank you. I'm talking to my friend, Jennifer Yasin. And she's actually a very talented in brand marketing. But that is not what we are going to be talking about today, at all, we're really going to be talking about Jennifer's 19 year relationship that she had with somebody. And we're going to be talking about kind of, you know, her finding herself in this relationship, her learning a lot about herself in this relationship. Ultimately, it didn't last, there was some things that were going on that she had to leave. And so we will be talking a little bit you know about unfaithfulness and things. But the bigger message that we really want to talk about in this is how we can find ourselves in these relationships, even though like if we are in them, how we can start to value ourself, whether we are in a relationship or whether we decide to leave these things settling, you know, because sometimes there are many of us that are just settling. And that's hard to accept, realize, you know, all these things. So, in a nutshell, this is going to be just a good old talk about relationships, and also learning more about ourselves. So Jennifer, what's up? How are you? Hi, thank

Jennifer Yassen: 2:50

you so much for the kind intro. I'm so excited to be here. And I love our chats that happened a lot offline. And it's fun to have them online.

Melissa Bright: 2:59

It is so fun. I know we were actually talking for like five minutes before this. And I'm like, Okay, I gotta like press record. And we got to start the episode because we're going to miss a lot of the good tea and I don't want people to miss that.

Jennifer Yassen: 3:14

Now the tea is the best as I as I'm drinking.

Melissa Bright: 3:18

Exactly. Yeah, exactly. I love it. What kind of tea is it?

Jennifer Yassen: 3:22

Oh, Earl Grey. I'm really boring. I like Earl Grey in English breakfast.

Melissa Bright: 3:26

That's okay. That's okay. I won't judge you. I have Earl Grey too. So it's like a camel and camel. Yeah. Love it. Yeah. Okay, so I want to first start by just painting a picture, I know that this is probably going to be hard to do for a 19, almost 20 year relationship. But if you maybe want to talk about like, the beginning of like, you know, where you guys met how cuz I mean, 19 years. That's a long time. So like how it kind of all started. And then we'll start unpacking, like, later, maybe later, like when you really started noticing like stuff about you settling, so on and so forth.

Jennifer Yassen: 4:08

Yeah, I love it. Okay. Yeah. And I do want to point out Yes, I am a brand marker. And then we're not going to talk about that today. But I think a big part of relationships. And also your brand is really yourself is like yourself, your values, what you believe in. Everything stems from that. And building a solid relationship with yourself is how you create successful relationships like in your life and in business. Everything stems from relationships. So while they don't really go together, there is a connection. And so yes, so I will talk about the beginning. We we we knew each other since I was little so growing up my dad my parents had business down the shore. I grew up going to Wildwood Crest New Jersey. I raised Hammer because my dad had a store on the boardwalk. And we stayed at a condo at this place and, and his family also did too. So I knew his family since I was little, but I didn't remember. We connected somewhere when I was around like 14. So I was visiting a friend at the old condo or used to live. And we ended up meeting and we ended up like always like talking. And so for that year, I remember being in like high school, like always talking with him on the phone. And we didn't really officially like start dating until he asked me to be his girlfriend somewhere around like, April, I think it was like a month before my birthday a month before my 16th birthday. So yeah, a long time we were together. Early on, it was like he lived in New Jersey, and every other weekend, I would go visit him. And so obviously when I got my license and I had my car, I would drive up to see him every other weekend, I would stay he was living at home at the time. And so I would stay you know, with his his family and love his family. But so that was really my escape. You know, he went to my prom. So he was there through every major, you know, major milestone in my life from graduating high school, getting my first going to college, graduating college, getting my first like internship, my first like, job, so to speak, you know, out of college. So, you know, we were always always out mark, Jen, it was always like us, too. And you know, his family was very much my family. His mom was like a second mom, to me, his stepfather like, I love that man, his sister who they are 11 years apart, or we're 11 years apart. We're 11 years apart. They're 15. And, you know, she's like a sister to me. So it's, you know, not not blood related, but their family.

Melissa Bright: 6:59

Right? Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. So I love the story of like, how you guys met and got together? I'm just like, thinking of like, when I was with my daughter's dad, because I started when we were 16. We did not last anywhere near as long. We didn't even make it through high school. But those those are like good times you think about and you're like, oh my god, this is awesome. Yeah. But clearly, it didn't. It did not turn out to be that you were with Him forever. So I guess then, when do you feel that things? Maybe started taking a shift in terms of like, Am I happy? Is he happy? Are we getting along? Anything that you felt just wasn't this normal? I don't wanna say normal this like, perfect relationship you had maybe envisioned? If that's a

Jennifer Yassen: 7:59

Yeah, no, it's a great point. I mean, through I think throughout our relationship, our relationship was like, there were very a lot of great times, but also like a lot of toxic traits that I didn't realize were toxic traits, right? Because we both had grown up in households where we weren't really always modelled what it was going to be to have healthy relationships, right. And that's normal. Because like, we repeat what we what we see and what we learn. So, you know, when I lost my dad back in 2014, that really was like a shift for me in terms of my life, and just trying to figure out, like, how am I happy because, up until that point, I was like, just growing through the motions, I really just felt like everything was about work, and like building my career, and just like getting to the next thing, right? Because I grew up in a very, like unstable household. You know, my dad had a gambling addiction. And so there was a lot of highs, but also lots of really lows. And I never wanted to end up like my mom, who was like, also struggling to find herself and support kids, and not really be like be able to manage financially. So I never wanted to be in that situation. So I so through that journey. Fast forward, you know, was when we moved to our second home, and at that point, you know, up until that point, we were always it was always a joke that like he never proposed. And so we were together like all of a 16 year, I think 16 years by the time he proposed and that was great. So he proposed and later you know, several months later we ended up buying another house and we moved and when we move moved, it was a stressful move the whole situation. But it was like a couple months later, when I remember it vividly, like when we finally started to like book a venue is when things change. And I remember it like Claire's day, because aura would change, he had more of like this kind of swag about him, but it wasn't very, like nice. And he was almost very, like combative with me in the sense of like, argumentative, like, he just, it wasn't the same. And I know in our relationship, it was kind of like, sometimes he would really try. And sometimes I would try, you know, and I'm sure anyone that's been married a long time can relate and understand that, you know, not everyone is giving at the same time. Word. But, you know, my dad used to say it's like, some people give 100 some people give zero. And it's just like, you just have to tip the scale, right? So that I really like that I do. But it was almost like, I was like vying for him to like, give a shit. I don't know if I can curse, but you can and, and he, and he did it. And I remember, I didn't know what but then it started to happen where I would notice him being on the phone a lot. He was on like on Snapchat. And then it was like this girl. That was like, the same age as a sister was like 25 years old. And he met her at a coffee shop. And he was just like helping her. And I was like, oh, okay, I've never been a jealous person. Never, never thought of him as a cheater didn't think anything. But it started to get to a point where we would be in the car, and she would be FaceTiming him. And it was just like, it was very awkward. And at that point, like I always had access, like we always knew each other's passwords. Our bank accounts like he didn't really have like, we had bank account I we just had, like, we'd have like really joint bank accounts, but we just like would use each other as his business was also like, in my name, like, it was just like, we lived as like a married couple, it's kind of messy, but whatever. But not married in that sense. But it just became more she became a really point of contention. And I was like, This just doesn't feel right. And at the also at the same time. At work, I was added like a lot of pressure to like, you know, just be better. And I really wasn't happy. And also I was planning this wedding by myself, you know. And I just felt like really overwhelmed. And I remember we had a trip to like San Francisco with Elvis cousins. And like, we fought super, like really bad that trip. And that was November 2018. And it like it was about this girl. And he just he just like kept like, every time we had cameras in our house because my dogs we had two dogs at the time. And I would like if you want to answer I was like look on the camera and like be like, hey, like what's happening? You know, right? Now we're always like, see him, like, on the camera like smiling snickering like on snapchat all the time. And I'm like, Who is he? Talking to? Like, this is weird, right? So it's just something that felt right. But I wasn't I never thought that he was cheating. Okay, so fast forward. We, you know, we're getting ready to like he has his bachelor party in March of 2019. And he doesn't call it a bachelor party. He said, he kept calling it a guy's trip and he really wasn't posting anything on social thought it was odd. And then we just kept fighting over this like that year of about this girl and him and I remember it was a really a horror. It was honestly one of the worst years of my life leading up to my wedding. Like even outside of losing my dad, I would go to bed often like crying we fight he would sleep in another room and I'm like, up here like on like researching, like how to better improve communication and like, I was watching YouTube videos of like, I've just like relationship experts. I was like in therapy like seeking coaches. I was also like going to psychics and readers like give me like some advice on what to do.

Melissa Bright: 14:27

Can I sign up you for a second before we move forward? So just in case listeners are asking the question because you know, unfortunately if they have maybe a similar situation that is maybe happened transpired whether it be Snapchat a message Something's just not adding up. Right. Okay, that's basically the gist of this. What in you are fighting a lot? What were some of the things that he said to you? That I mean, I don't know like, how did some of those fights like what were some of those things? conversations because a lot of times like when people are cheating, they'll say like, obviously no, you don't know what you're talking about. Like he said, Yeah, a friend but like, how more Did he just make? You seem like am I just like, totally freaking, like crazy and miss it like,

Jennifer Yassen: 15:16

oh, he would gaslight me all the time who would say you're crazy your cycle like You're imagining things like, she just needs help. Like, she's like, just like my sister like, it's nothing You're ridiculous. You're you're working all the time. You're never here, you don't do anything. And like, mind you. He worked from home. And I was outside, also traveling a lot for work, or I would be at work or have work events. And he was literally later I came to find out out every day with her lunch. Every single day. If I was traveling, he was like with her. Like, there wasn't a moment that it was like lit he was literally living a double life. And so, you know, it wasn't until we were in therapy, and the therapist was like, Well, you have to trust him. Like, you just have to trust Him if this and the therapy sessions really became about me not trusting Him, and like, respecting him. And you know, it, but it was all a sham because he was lying. Right? So of course, how's the therapist able to ask anything if he's lying? Yep. And I remember being on my like, my bachelorette party. And also that year, he never posted about me on social media. And I know that may seem trivial, but before that, like he would, right so it was just like little things that were kind of like, little twinge, is that like I got like, that was like my intuition that I was it though kept ignoring. And I remember we got a really bad fight in March. And I was like, it's either her or me. And like you need like this needs to end because this is causing like a point of contention. And he was like, I can't make that decision.

Melissa Bright: 17:12

Oh, my God. So

Jennifer Yassen: 17:13

there were things where I should have been like, Jennifer, why didn't you walk away? Right? And even my best friend when I was in Miami for my bachelorette party, and she was like, Are you sure you want to go through with this? Because she knew I was like really upset. But no one knew about this girl. Her name is Destiny, which is very ironic that her name is Destiny.

Melissa Bright: 17:36

It's destiny.

Jennifer Yassen: 17:37

It's destiny. And so, you know, basically, what happened is I just decided to move forward, because what else was I had to do? Like I thought, you know, we're getting married. And maybe it's just, you know, I'm stressed. Or maybe he's stressed, it took him a while to propose, like, I was just like, Okay, I was like, I've already paid all of this money, my job, I paid for the wedding. And I was like, all right. And that's also at the same time I landed, what I thought was my dream job. And I was gonna get to do what I love to do, which was also a very fast paced job. So I literally started at a new job, July 22. And then I got married September 1. And fast forward, because I know I've been taking a long time, you're fine. We didn't go on our honeymoon until the end of September. But during these times, he traveled solo to Puerto Rico, which he never traveled before, like, this man would have anxiety. And not that I'm making fun of it at all. I'm just saying like, just to try to explain, like, early on our relationship. He wouldn't even call restaurants to place a takeout order because he had that much anxiety. And I would do that. Right. So the fact that he would travel to Puerto Rico was odd. Yeah. But, again, me I'm trying to be supportive and be like, okay, sure, you know, and I come to find out that these trips Raul with her, and it was he went on a took her away to Puerto Rico on a trip before a honeymoon. Oh, on the day, we were getting married, she was shopping with his credit card. And I remember him disappearing at our wedding for like an hour with his cousin and friend like, I was like, this is weird, but of course, like, I'm entertaining family or like, what am I? Right? So it even him and being Puerto Rico the second time. And this was like literally like a week or 210 days like after we got married. He like went MIA for one night. And it was weird. Like he wasn't answering and I was like, we were genuinely concerned. His mom was here like over my house. Yeah, we all kind of get in touch with them. And we call like a welfare check to the hotel, and they won't tell us anything because, you know, safety measures, I get it. And I remember him calling me saying like, I'm gonna divorce you. You're crazy, like, leave me alone. You're psycho. And we literally were just worried because we could not get in touch with him. And I was like, trying to go through his email and see that Uber receipts. Yeah. And it just like wasn't making sense. So literally, like, I was playing detective. And I'm not even telling you everything. But there were like, times when I would discover like, like in my Nordstrom account, like, you know, how it shows you recent things that you've seen or things you might like, or things that are like that I would never shop for. And also that Christmas, he bought me like, not again, not that I'm measuring gifts, but it was like heartless, like heartless gifts. Yeah, it was just really, there were so many things. I can't even like remember everything. But basically everything came to a head when I was January 5. I remember like yesterday, we got in a fight. I was also like, he said, I'm gonna go out and watch the game. I was like, Okay, we'll meet and we'll, we'll talk about everything. We met like barely spoke, walked home, got a huge fight, things got physical, he left. And and I was like, at that point, like, a mass. Like, I was just in tears. I was like, you know, and he contacted me because he saw me on the camera. Like, why are you doing this? It was like 5am Like, why are you doing all of this? Like, why are you making us fight? Like why is you know, just basically blaming me? And I was like, Well, Mark, where are you? He's like, I'm at a hotel. Where do you think I'm like, where we live? There's not many hotels. So I mean, there are but like, you know, it's yeah, it's weird. I was like, alright, well hotel, it was one SE and I was like alright, so something told me it's like go up and look, check my iPhone, his laptop was here. And I like did that. And he's like, a block away. And I like put two and two together. Like that's her apartment. Oh show that year like New Year's Eve. He didn't go out with me for two years because he said he was sick. So So I went out with like my girlfriend, I was like, alright, I'll go because we have plans, I'll go with my girlfriend, I'll come home and we'll spend the, you know, New Year's together. So like I was thought was I what I was doing, hoping to find out who was there. You know, for two years, he wasn't sick. He got her pregnant there was like, and I just saw, like, all the bank statements that like at all the transactions like everything that was happening and and it's and I found his phone his old phone with like pictures of her ass on it and like things like this i And again, a lot of this stuff was on Snapchat. So it was like deleted, right? So it's like, again, I don't not like I'm not even saying like half of the things that I found. But it was like I had to like put together everything via bank statements and what I didn't know. And at that point, it was just like, I was I literally, it was the punch oh my god I've never experienced in my life. Because the one person you never think would do something. And I had friends that tell me Oh, he's cheating. And I'm like, Mark Never, never. Right. And so it was really horrible. And then that after I found out about that. He was like, oh, like no, like, I'm gonna end things like I was planning to add things. It was like, let's go to therapy. Let's do this. So what did I do for hire fine, found a therapist on BetterHelp we started you know, I started seeing therapists. He said he would go see a therapist. He would he came in for sessions. You know, and that month, it was like, we were trying, you know, because I was like, I didn't know what to do. I like this point. I was just going through the motions. And then, just to wrap things up, what really happened was one day, it was like January 15 or something. So that was a couple of weeks later. This was 2020 Right? This is 2020 Okay, okay, so,

Melissa Bright: 24:21

so pretty damn recent.

Jennifer Yassen: 24:24

Yeah, yeah, you could say and so I went to he was gonna come watch the dog so I could go get my hair done in Philadelphia because I was going to get it done. And that day, he was staying at this kind of like Airbnb place in Jersey City. And I something told me like, you know, go meet him at his place and wait for him. So I was like, alright, so I went and I was like waiting in the lobby and we're supposed to meet at like nine and I waited in that lobby two hours and And came after nine. And it was like, Hey, I was like, where are you? It's after nine. He's like, Oh, I'll be right there. I'm just at getting coffee. I'm like, okay, great. So I knew that he was ever home. And he was at her house. So at that point, it like, the straw that broke the camel's back. I acted like I played dumb. I literally threw all of his stuff in garbage bags and put it on the street. And I was like, I never want to see you again. He called the cops on me. The cops came and they like laugh. They were like laughing that because I explained the situation that like, this is what happened. I'm putting stuff out. He doesn't live here. So I didn't do anything wrong. You know, it's my house. Yeah, I'm not doing anything. He's just not welcome here anymore. I put his stuff out in garbage bags on the street. And they literally laughed. They were like, we can't do anything. So and it wasn't the first time he called the cops on me too. So it was just really ugly and messy. And I'm like, I consider myself like a dupe a do gooder. Like, I try to always do good, like, really super kind. But I was like, at that point. I was like, I was done. I was done.

Melissa Bright: 26:16

Okay, I have 80 questions. So

Jennifer Yassen: 26:19

I thought I'm sorry. I took out like literally 20 minutes. No, no,

Melissa Bright: 26:23

no, it I promise you it is totally okay. So my first question, and I think my biggest question, unfortunately, I can't ask him but it maybe been it might have been in your head also. We know he was with her before you guys got married? Why in the EFF if he was with two people in cheating on you? Why did he go through with this marriage? Like,

Jennifer Yassen: 26:47

oh my god, honestly. And it's so funny. I remember I didn't even say this in the story. I remember hearing his vows. And I was like, super letdown. I remember seeing the card he wrote me on our wedding day. And like Something didn't feel right. I remember our first look and Something didn't feel right. Right after we got married, like literally my sister handed me back my bouquet, and the pen cracked me. Oh, and I was bleeding. So it was like all these little signs that were like, This isn't right. This isn't right. And literally, I planned a beautiful wedding. Like my pictures are stunning. I have to say they are random pics of mine was a very expensive wedding. Yeah. You know, so. And it was the you know, and also I feel guilty, you know, because again, I'm like, open book. Like, they're there. This was like my money. You know, this wasn't, I made it like it was ours, though. But it was my money. So I don't want to ever make it up like, This is mine. And this is yours. But you know, women, we tend to be like, it's we it's about us. We don't take care of ourselves. I didn't protect myself in this case, because I didn't think I needed to protect myself from someone that I thought was my person. So

Melissa Bright: 28:12

what's your good point? Like? That's such a good point. Yeah, so many people don't.

Jennifer Yassen: 28:19

Yeah, because of love, right? Because we love this people, we don't think that they can hurt us. And it's like, and I'm not recommending you live life, like living with armor on or protecting yourself, but always take care of yourself. Because when shit hits the fan, you gotta be ready. And always, and and I think each person that relationships should, because we're individual people, we should protect ourselves. And I don't think that that should, like, keep you from loving fully and expressing yourself fully. But at least you know, like you're prepared to do this. Yeah, you know?

Melissa Bright: 28:58

Yeah. Do you Okay, so some of the things that we talked about before we actually started the episode

Jennifer Yassen: 29:07

was Yeah.

Melissa Bright: 29:11

I know that you had mentioned sometimes in like the marriage that you weren't necessarily happy, and you were just settling. So my question to you now that I kind of know, well, half the crazy things that he did. Do you feel that you were settling? Before all this stuff started with her? Or did it really come at that point where you're just like questioning and you're like, Am I crazy? Is this really happening? Am I just settling?

Jennifer Yassen: 29:36

Yeah, I had lots of doubts about the relationship. It was almost like I'm not sure. But I don't know, this is what I'm doing. And I was like, not until like he proposed and I was like, Okay, this is it. And I am you know I'm fully in this. Yeah, I was always living kind of like one Foot in one foot out? I think. Not with him just I don't think I try and don't trust a lot of people. Yeah. And I don't and because I always wanted to make sure like I was okay. That is my survival mechanism. I know. And so being half in allows me to be out. Right? Am I remember my coach saying that to me, you know, you're spreading yourself very wide and not deep, because you're it's a it's a survival mechanism. So, yeah, I had doubts. I had doubts. And then even I remember, like, just having doubts, obviously leading up to it. But at that point, I felt like I was already in so I couldn't turn back. Yeah, it was just weird. Like, almost like I had to see it through. I would never advise anyone to do that. I think you have to really listen to yourself. And trust yourself enough that even though this decision may be hard, it's for the better because I had a really close friend of mine that called off her wedding, like a month before. And so happy she did, because she, like found herself an amazing person. And yeah, you know, I'm sure that wasn't easy for her. Right. But I feel like I should have trusted myself enough. And I should have done I should have done a lot of things differently. And I wish I would have done.

Melissa Bright: 31:28

Yeah, I feel like there's probably listeners that can be on like, both sides of the spectrum being like, why did you not walk away? And then other people being like, no, but like, I would see it through to its, you nobody can truly say until they've been in that experience. And I mean, we're talking 16 years you are with him for since you had been 16 I'm gonna spoil your age. Now you're 37. So for all my like listeners like this is, this is around our age. It's not like sometimes I feel like when you talk about 20 year relationships, you're assuming a person's going to be like, in their 50s or something like that. No, she is our age, which just makes it that much more relatable, you know, that? I don't know, I guess in terms of like, traditional, I don't want to say traditional marriages, but just

Jennifer Yassen: 32:18

when you're married, yeah, I mean, all my friends at this point, or people that I know are pretty much like married with children. And you know, and do I wish that for myself? Absolutely. It's sad, you know, I'm 37. And I'm like, I have that kind of, like societal pressure of like, and also just like, health wise, like pressure, like, I would love to be able to have kids, but there's no, I'm not closer to that, if anything, but, but I will say that through all of this, you start to find yourself and also see, you know, because also the life that I lived, I settled for friends. I settled for work relationships, I had no boundaries, I was always a completely a doormat, because I allowed myself to be a doormat. I did that because like that was you know, how I was able to maintain people, you know, and also I was I remember learning about that, that that's also a form of manipulative behavior. So we all have, we all have like issues like so anything I say, I'm like, listen, I always Never will I My biggest fear is that I'm someone that like throw stones and live in a glass house. That's why I always say like, I am this person, like I have many flaws I am trying to unravel and on understand my childhood so I can move on. But I've had people all my life that have told me I'm not good enough, or you're not worth it, or this is not, you're not enough, because that's the story I've been telling myself all along. So of course I had work environments that reflected that, of course, I had friendships that and that reflected that. Of course my relationships have reflected that right so now it's like slowly trying to undo all of the unhealthy patterns that I once learned.

Melissa Bright: 34:16

Yep. Do you feel that you learned most of your stuff? I'd know I'd okay. You obviously learn these behaviors from little kid on because of what you were told by whoever. But then when you get out of this long relationship, and you have time to reflect and look back to see how you acted, how he acted. Do you feel that you learned more after you were out of the relationship and were able to like reflect and see. See it more clearly or did you know some stuff in your relationship like for instance, when you say I was a doormat for work relationships? Did you realize that during the time or was it not until like it,

Jennifer Yassen: 35:01

I never really got it until later. And I'm still working through that now. So this is like all new island real time people. Yeah, I, you know, got into another relationship after. And that relationship I think taught me a lot about me and about what I want and about also allowed me to reflect because there were things that he would say to me and our relationship. Like I was saying early before we started recording like that. Now I see what he was saying. But also, I have more of the holistic picture of okay, like your point was valid, but here is also where I could have also had help from you. And this is what I needed. I it was oftentimes I expressed what I needed, maybe didn't come across, they didn't really understand and I wasn't really getting what I needed. Yeah. So that's also why I was selling is because I wasn't really fully expressing my needs, and also putting boundaries up to say, hey, like, I need this, so that we can move forward. It was almost like I just allowed for a lot of things. So all the drama that ensued, I recognize that's my fault, because I allow this to continue. Now, again, it's not my fault and his the actions that he chose, but everyone's responsible for their choices. So I know that these are my choices and what I did. And now I don't want to make any more of those mistakes, I want to be able to be like, hey, like, recognize that this is happening again.

Melissa Bright: 36:36

Right? So true. And it's hard, it is hard. When you say like this was part my fault, because I totally understand what you're saying. But so often people are like, I wish I could change my boyfriend to do more of this to be more of this to do this, we do not get to have that choice, that doesn't get to be a thing. This person can be the way he needs to be. And we either accept it, or we set a boundary, or we leave them. I'm not saying that there. There can't be improvement improvements, like in terms of like, No, I don't think I should get to be angry with Brandon all the time. But he could easily say like, I'm either going to set my boundary and walk away or whatever the boundary might be. So I say all of that. Because it is hard to say like part of that was my fault. But like we have to take ownership of like where the F we should have set boundaries at and been like, No, this is not okay. You are not talking to this, whatever it might be. And that's a hard pill to swallow. And sometimes it's easier to just not set boundaries, because it's not ruffling feathers. It's you not been? Yeah, like, so many reasons.

Jennifer Yassen: 38:04

Yeah, I think the biggest thing is that I learned is that there's compromise, but then there's sacrifice. And so you should never be sacrificing yourself for the sake of the relationship. Because you can compromise. But I keep learning. And I that's why I love Instagram. And I love learning from people's stories and just hearing people's perspective. Because when you are not putting boundaries up, you're enabling this person and furthering or further delaying their growth.

Melissa Bright: 38:41

Spot on,

Jennifer Yassen: 38:44

you know, and yeah, I think, you know, I didn't have to wait till I was 37 or go through this, like had I had I stood firm in what I believe in, or just understood my worth or my value, to have enough wherewithal to walk away and be like, hey, look, this is not cool. It may hurt now, but it I certainly would have been wealthier. And I probably would have had a lot less heartache and trauma. But you know, one thing that always sticks in my head is like he always used to say, you wait too long, you kick the can down the road. And it's something where I always think of like, where he would tell me that things that I do. And although let that's kind of not the best advice, but it is something I do. But I do it because I care because I'm loyal. I'm loyal to a fault. And at some point I have to be like enough is enough. I have now be loyal to myself. Yeah. So the biggest thing like I teach in my work, and is to really get to know yourself, understand yourself, you have to build a solid self foundation, so that you can actually really build the life that you want. You can't do that if you don't know yourself. And so I'm in the process of learning myself a lot more than I ever did before I thought I knew myself.

Melissa Bright: 40:13

But yeah, I think I wanted to touch on a couple things. One of the best things like so I was single most of my 20s Honestly, I quote unquote, talk to guys like dated, but nothing long term serious or anything like that. And it wasn't until I got in my relationship now that I've been with Brandon for six years that I learned a lot of my issues and faults that I have. Because if you're just dating somebody, like two weeks a month, you are not going to be finding out like issues that really come to surface when you're with somebody like my attachment issues with people and my insecurities and my abandonment issues, that is all going to be. So if there's anything that came out of like, good out of that relationship is you learned a lot of stuff about yourself. Oh, my God, I was gonna say something else. And I don't remember what it was. You were talking about loving, oh, loving yourself, and like figuring out your values. And it's something that like, I never considered before. It's like, okay, if we were going to pick out our dream guy, girl, whatever your preference, we start to think like, oh, I would want them to have an established job, I maybe would want them to have kids, I would want whatever your list of things is. Flip that and like turn that internally, like what are your values and morals that you know, that you've had for yourself in something maybe you aspire to be? Like, I know for you like loyalty is a value that you have. And that's probably like, a non negotiable. So I really liked that you say that. Because now looking to future relationships, no matter whether it's with a guy, a co worker, a friendship, there's these things, these values that you will hold, and those will be your like, non negotiables. And be like, Okay, if this person doesn't value, this, maybe they're not my, probably going to be one of my greatest friends. And when you know yourself in terms of your values, it's so much easier to be like, That's my person, that's not my person.

Jennifer Yassen: 42:38

And exactly, and then you know, where to give your energy to, and I think take it a step further, by eternally internalizing it as make a list of all of the, you know, those ideal qualities that you want your partner to have, and what are the qualities that you exhibit? Because really, everybody in our life is a mirror for things that we have to learn about ourselves or discover about ourselves, or either reflecting what we don't love about ourselves, or reflecting back. What we'd like about ourselves. And if you want to create a world that brings you joy, and happiness and peace, well, that it really does start with you. Yeah, it's all everything in life starts with you. If you find yourself in this situation that you're not loving. Well, how did your choices get you there? And more importantly, it's like, why did you even make those choices? Because we're so hard on ourselves. And I'm extremely hard on myself and I know you are too and we've had this discussion. Yeah. Like, we have to give ourselves Grace like I had a call with a friend who's been like helping me organize my schedule because I have self diagnose ADHD. I'm all over the place have shiny object syndrome. Oh, the things. And we were talking about this, specifically this morning. And it really just like comes down to we have to know and work within our limitations. We can't you suffer from impostor syndrome. Stop comparing yourself to someone else. What can you do? What are you good at? What are use? What are your special gifts and talents and just start to know who you are because you matter. Like, every single one of us is special. We're all special. We all have unique gifts and talents. That all can contribute to bettering the world, our lives, the planet, people, animals, whatever your thing is, but most of us are so wrapped up in like what someone else is doing. How someone else hurt us and like this and that because we're not actually making sure we're being respectful of our time, our energy because we only have so much.

Melissa Bright: 44:57

Only so much for sure.

Jennifer Yassen: 44:59

I don't know if I like rambled, but like that, that's, for me, that's kind of like been the biggest learning because I've never respected really my time. I've never valued my time. Yeah, or valued my worth, or like saw everything I did because there is someone out there that is going to love all of my quirks and things that I do and not badmouth them, but instead, show me well, how can I actually make it better? Or what? Or? Or like, the same way you would want a loving parent to be like, how can you lovingly like, love yourself?

Melissa Bright: 45:33

Yeah, that's so true. And we're taking this back just a little bit on you were talking about being a mirror for people. And then being mirrors for you, that is so true. But something else that like one Oh, was was one of my biggest aha moments in my relationship. And something that I promise you and swear I am still working on every day of my life is things that I assume is the way the other person would respond or handle it or answer or whatever act do be is, like, we bitch at them or want that from them. Because like, that's what we would do in that situation. And that's not always fair to the other person, because salutely They have their own thoughts, feelings. And I, I'm very guilty of that with my boyfriend, I like try to say things that he can't say, or he's like, you don't get to tell me my thoughts and my feelings. Where I'm like, I wish you would have been like, more empathetic, or some whatever the situation may be. And it's something that I'm still really having to work on. Because I know how I would say it. Well, that's because you are the world's most sensitive like empathic. Well, I'm not like, I'm extremely empathetic, where he is much more like very secure. Doesn't frickin stress about anything really, like, whatever, everything's great. Yeah. It's just something to consider in any relationships that sometimes when you're telling somebody you wish they would do something and be something that of course, because that's how we would handle it, but we need to understand they have their own stuff, too.

Jennifer Yassen: 47:32

Yeah. And the more I think we accept ourselves, the more we'll be willing to accept someone else. I think that's also a biggest thing I've struggled personally with is like accepting how other people handle things. And also being prepared to walk away if it's not up to my standards.

Melissa Bright: 47:48

Yeah. Yeah.

Jennifer Yassen: 47:50

Exactly. Like, we have to know like, this isn't for us. And that's okay. They can choose to cheat and lie, they can choose to live that life. But if that's not for you, then that's okay. You get you can you're entitled to walk away, right? Say, Hey, like, this doesn't work for me. Like you want a relationship like that. I'm not judging you. But that's, that's the kind of relationship you want. That's not the relationship that I want. Yeah. Like, I know, some people go back to people that have like, cheated and lied to them, and they're able to work it out. And that's awesome. But, you know, even I remember him being like, I know I made this mistake, or like his mom would say, No, he made a mistake on like, that level to me wasn't a mistake. Yeah, no, that was there. That was like that was beyond, you know, mistakes or like you do something once or twice and you learn. So I think also, it's like, understanding it's okay to walk away. It's okay to choose different. It's okay to change your mind. Or an eye like, it's okay. Like, I should have given myself grace to be like, it's okay. We could have, we could have walked away we could have I could have changed my mind. It's, it's okay. to suddenly be different because we evolve and grow as humans.

Melissa Bright: 49:11

Yep. You're so right. So I'm going to ask you a question that's probably going to make you uncomfortable. And I'm doing it on purpose not to inflict pain. I'm not inflicting pain on you. But what is if you had to look back these past two years, you know of going through this healing journey and whatever what are you most proud of, of yourself that like you've done learned, whatever it may be?

Jennifer Yassen: 49:41

Oh, my God, I'm probably gonna cry. Um, it's been so hard. It's been hard, I think. I think my resilience I'm always super proud of myself. I just keep going. And I've had a lot of friends and people walk away. In and out of my life and also of trying to be like Superman to me, and I'm like, I just, I just, it doesn't change me and like what I'm here to do, or my mission and what I want to accomplish. I'm proud of myself, I started my business, it's hard. I'm proud of myself, I started coaching people, it's hard, I'm proud, you know, that I've stood up for myself when clients weren't a match, or when people weren't a match. And I've tried. I'm proud of myself, like, got into another relationship again, and they tried, you know, with that too many things like I am proud of, I'm not living the life that I want yet. But I'm closer than I've ever been. And like meeting people like you, and like, just people in my life that I feel like, I can have these deep conversations with what they always like, love, or I'm just in a different headspace.

Melissa Bright: 51:01

Yeah. And I want you to remember that, like, all those things that you said, because I know, as we've talked before, like we can be so hard on ourselves, thinking we should be doing more being better, more successful, whatever it is that we aspire to be, and we're not there yet. We think we should always be somewhere else somewhere else. And we're like, not enjoying, right? Oh,

Jennifer Yassen: 51:32

yeah. Oh, it's so true. And it's funny, and talk about how this is a mirror and to reflect back on your story. My dad, I, my dad and I had a really close relationship. It was a bond that I couldn't explain. I don't know if you've ever had a bond with someone and I'm sure with your child, but with people in your life, you have a bond and unexplainable bond, and you can't explain it, but you're just like, so attached. I always felt like I never got enough time with my dad. It was never enough. But frankly, because like my dad was never fully present. Yeah, he was always chasing the grass was always greener, and he always had to go, you know, do work or this or that he was never fully present. And also, like my friend said to me this morning, you're always chasing? Yeah. And I grew up never wanting to be that way. Yeah, but yet I'm here. So the beauty of it is let the experiences that you've experienced, be your teacher, and also reflect on how are you exhibiting these qualities? How are you deciding to show up different?

Melissa Bright: 52:49

Yeah, I love that. It's hard. It's so freakin hard. Like I, I have been more in my head these past couple months than I ever have in like two years. And I like putting my frickin foot down and being like, Melissa, what? Girl, you had so much confidence and believed in yourself so much. Nothing has happened, like crazy that that should have changed you. But for whatever reason it did. But yeah, I'm getting my shit together in that regard to be like, no, no, you're not going to listen to whatever POS voice that is trying to tell you that don't pursue this, or you can't do this. You can't be this. Because it's simply not true. And sometimes voice sticks around a little too long.

Jennifer Yassen: 53:46

I agree. I mean, I know we've talked about it. And I think you know, that voice has served its purpose. I mean, that's what keeps us surviving. And like, you know, safe, but at some point, it's sauce. It is like the saboteur of our of our life. And we need to really focus on hearing how special we are. And like really appreciating our limitations and like, that's okay, that doesn't mean you're not going to surpass anybody else or win the race or like, but this is your race, like we hear all these like, you know, quotes all the time and sure, but they have to hit. They have to assimilate within yourself. You can get all the knowledge, you can hire all the coaches, you can do all of that. It's not going to change the fat if you are not making the changes yourself. And change is hard. Change takes time. And frankly, like if, if it were easy, everyone would do it. And there's a lot of people out there that don't want to do this healing work. Because it's hard. Yeah, hard. It's messy. It's not fun. No, it's not worth it. But it's fun. It's not fun.

Melissa Bright: 54:59

I totally I agree. And that is something I'm like a huge I don't want to say fan of, but like, I literally did an episode on all these like different quotes. And like maybe not even quotes, just things that like really resonated with me. But like maybe I had heard them 18,000 times before that, but it didn't really click with me until I was in that moment, going through an experience that I'm like, This is what this quote actually means. I wish I could give an example. But like, so often we tell people, like have grace, have compassion. And they're like, I don't know what the fuck that means and what that looks like, like, What are you talking about Melissa? And then they might do something. Like, they made a mistake, and they want to show compassion for themselves now, and they're like, Oh, it is okay, I can't, I can forgive myself. I'm just human, I truthfully meant no harm. And then they finally realized, Oh, this is what it means to have compassion. So yeah, you can hire all the coaches and do all this stuff. But until it like really clicks in your brain. That's, that's when it's gonna happen.

Jennifer Yassen: 56:11

Yeah, and you have to be ready for it. And that's, I think a lot of people have frustration about the coaching industry that like, also, there's a lot of coaches like selling to people, because they think they can help them and they're not really in a place to help them. And they don't really understand the place that their potential client is in. And the client really doesn't know themselves. And this is why I always go back to the you got to know yourself, you got to understand where you're at what you truly need. And so you can go out and find that because the truth is, every coach is right. You know, all right. There's, there's a ton of opportunities, the path to success is paved with many opportunities. It's, there's no one way to do it. But that always relies back on you. And that's why it's really important to build a solid, solid foundation, it's the same way you build a brand, like you need a solid brand Foundation. And what's at the heart of a brand, your mission, your vision. It's you It's your values, your beliefs, how you want your customers to feel. This is the same thing with ourselves. That's why I'm saying it's a mirror.

Melissa Bright: 57:13

Yeah. Oh my gosh, that's so true. See, we just did we just did brand marketing 101 and two sentences.

Jennifer Yassen: 57:21

Yeah. And she sentences their basics. Yeah. Covered. Oh, my

Melissa Bright: 57:25

gosh. Okay. So before I ask you my last question, do you have anything else that you would like to add about your story, or any last advice or tips that you would like to give any of our listeners before we leave?

Jennifer Yassen: 57:40

Oh, yeah, um, I have a few. One is like, get yourself like a solid group of people. Even if it's just one or two people that you can confide in that won't, like judge you. And the decisions that you make, you may not be making all of the decisions that people will think are right, but you need someone that's just going to be there and be your kind of like rock or support system, and no judgement because especially when you're in, you know, I didn't really attach on but like very like narcissistic type relationship. You're, you don't know yourself, because basically, they, when you're with narcissists, like they degrade your sense of self. Yeah. And energetically, it's been said that, like, they scramble your energy field, so you don't know yourself. So because you don't know yourself. And you've probably had friends around, that are also reflective of like, your beliefs that you don't value yourself, right, you really need to find someone that can support you. So maybe hire a coach, maybe one that, again, that you feel really aligned with, find a therapist, find a good friend that can support you. And also give yourself Grace going through it. And lastly, the thing I also want to touch on is like they don't really, really talk about it much but the fallout of like relationships ending especially like families breaking apart or divorce, it's like, I literally lost his entire family and I have a very, very small family. I really don't have much of a family and he has a very big family. And they were my family. And it's really weird like that I don't have this these people in my life that I would see all the time and, and it almost drove like it really drove a wedge to because like his cousin knew and I was very close with his cousin like his cousin knew. And like I was more concerned about me. You know, he was like more concerned about himself than he was about me. Right? And it's just I get it family's family and they could say, oh, but like, I was family too. And like, where am I? Why am I not? Like, you know, why is no one here saying like, hey, and I get it. Like, psychologically I get it. But I think no one talks about like you also are losing like family from these experiences. You're not just you're losing one person like the person, the people I missed the most are his like, Mom is stepped ahead like his sister. I don't see them. But I would talk to these even like every day,

Melissa Bright: 1:00:32

right? For almost 20 years. That is Yeah, that's really really

Jennifer Yassen: 1:00:38

sad. Like suddenly like that they're gone. Yeah,

Melissa Bright: 1:00:41

yeah. And you're just not supposed to communicate anymore. Of course, we know people do families like do. But then there's like, it is what it is. Like, yeah,

Jennifer Yassen: 1:00:51

you know, still together. And they're like living. So it's a weird. So it's like, I don't know, no one says like how to be and I guess I need to learn more how you know how to do it. And again, no fault of their own either, but it's just no one we don't really talk about that you you do lose a lot. So. But again, you're able to make space for newness and space demands to be filled. So fill that space with the goodness that you now want to build in your life.

Melissa Bright: 1:01:18

Yeah, I love it. I love it. All right, Jennifer, my last question I have for you. Yes. In your own words, what does the bright side of life mean to you?

Jennifer Yassen: 1:01:30

Hmm, I love that question. I think the right side of life is seeing all of the opportunity and what exists, like the silver lining, like everything that has happened to you, you can use it for good. And you don't have to let it like, bring you down, you can see the opportunity to how to you know, put your nose to the sun, your face to the sun. And always look that way. Because, you know, life is hard. We know that. But I think of life as like college, we're here to learn, we came here to this planet to learn. And we can use our stories and what we've lived through, along with our skills and our passions and our talents for good. And we can really create a really beautiful world if we just focus on that. And so don't let, don't leave what you can do to someone else, like what can you do with your life, your story? How can you use it to really change the world because you can, because you can literally change changing one person's life is literally changing their entire world.

Melissa Bright: 1:02:49

Yep. That's so true. And I could not agree with you more. Because clearly, you know, my story and me turning my pain into my purpose and everything we've learned experiences, passion skills, and using that for good. Because there are a lot of dark sad times in our life and clinging to to the silver lining so many times is is key to, to still being happy and having joy. So I greatly appreciate you being on this podcast. And you know, we should maybe record some of our other conversations.

Jennifer Yassen: 1:03:31

I know I thank you for having me. I mean, it's always fun. It's like, our conversations are so effortless. So I really appreciate the opportunity to share. And, you know, again, I hope I offered some value to people and encourage other ladies or gents, value yourself because you matter.

Melissa Bright: 1:03:51

We made it through another episode of The Bright Side of Life podcast, while we unpacked 20 years worth of relationship down to an hour. I know that that was probably not easy for Jen. But I know her biggest message was she just wanted people to know that it is possible to pick up the pieces even after that long of a relationship and really feeling betrayed by your person. And along the way, she obviously learned a lot of things about herself and after the relationship is when she was able to grow the most to really see things that she doesn't want to bring into her next relationship if it's things that she needs to work on. And then she also knows things that she values that she wants to have as a partner. So I hope that you guys got something out of this episode. I know I did. And one of the biggest like, things that I'm thinking is just having grace and compassion because, you know, I know she has childhood trauma Emma and she could have blamed herself, you know, saying that this was my fault, this was my fault. And it may be hindering her her growth but she you know, she owned up to the things she maybe could have done better not in any way saying that would have prevented him from from doing the stuff he did. But just having that grace and compassion and not beating herself up and that's what we should all do every day. Whether it's about relationships or anything else is just having grace and compassion. So like I said, I hope you guys enjoyed this episode. Once again, if you guys would like to support the bright side of life podcast, you can click on Donate or support the show. It actually says show support the show in the show notes and you can support the show by buying me a coffee. And as always, if you guys know anyone that may need to hear Jen story, please share this with them because we never know if this is the one that puts hope back in their heart.